Your Communication Agreement as a Coach: The Essential Tool

Communication Agreements in Parenting Coordination

Co‑parenting after separation can be difficult, particularly when communication is shaped by past conflict. When communication becomes reactive or unfocused, it often interferes with everyday decisions children depend on, including health care, school, childcare, and activities.

In parenting coordination, communication difficulties are not treated as personal failures. They are understood as predictable features of high‑conflict family dynamics. Communication Agreements are one practical tool used to help parents exchange essential child‑related information in a way that is workable, predictable, and forward‑looking.

What a Communication Agreement Is (and Is Not)

A Communication Agreement is not about controlling how parents feel, speak, or relate to one another. It does not require agreement, reconciliation, politeness, or emotional change.

Its purpose is narrow and practical: to support the exchange of essential information and the consultation required to implement parenting orders and agreements.

Communication Agreements apply only where authorized by a Parenting Coordinator’s appointment order or parenting coordination agreement. They regulate process, not conduct, and they do not replace court authority.

Why Structure Matters

High‑conflict situations can activate threat‑response systems that make communication more reactive and less precise. When communication is unstructured, even routine parenting issues can escalate unnecessarily.

Communication Agreements provide predictable structure so communication stays focused on current parenting needs, limited in scope, and oriented toward implementation rather than blame. This structure is procedural, not therapeutic.

Essential Information and Consultation

Parents who share parental responsibilities have a legal duty to consult about matters affecting their children. At a minimum, this includes health care, medical information, school matters, childcare arrangements, and extracurricular activities.

Communication Agreements exist to ensure that this essential information is actually exchanged and that consultation can occur in a functional way. They are not about tone, manners, or emotional expression.

How Communication Is Assessed

Parenting Coordinators may coach parents about communication patterns, but only courts regulate tone or civility.

Within parenting coordination, communication is assessed using one functional question:

Does this message allow consultation or implementation to occur?

A message is functionally compliant if it identifies a parenting issue, provides necessary information or a proposal, and allows the other parent to respond. How the message sounds is not determinative. Whether it functions is.

BIFF as a Tool, Not a Rule

Some Communication Agreements refer to the BIFF framework (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm). In this practice, BIFF is used as a formatting guide, not a behavioural requirement. It helps parents stay focused, include necessary information, and bring communication to a workable pause.

Older Agreements and “Tone” Language

Some older Communication Agreements include language about being “friendly,” “respectful", or avoiding “angry tone” or capital letters. These terms are now read through a process lens only. They are treated as shorthand for functional communication, not as enforceable behavioural rules.

Parenting Coordinators implement parenting arrangements using non‑coercive, process‑based remedies. Coercive enforcement remains a court function.

When a Message Is Not Functional

If a message does not meaningfully support consultation or implementation, the receiving parent may:

Ignore the message. Return it with a brief request that it be rewritten to address the parenting issue. Contact the Parenting Coordinator for coaching assistance, with fees often reapportioned to the parent who caused the issue after an initial adjustment period for learning.

Parents are not required to respond to non‑functional, repetitive, or already‑answered messages.

Timing and Urgent Information

Parents are expected to check the agreed communication platform regularly, typically at least once every 24 hours (or have notifications turned on and follow them).

Health‑related and time‑sensitive information—such as appointments, diagnoses, medications, school issues, and activity registrations—should be shared as soon as reasonably possible and, where known, within 24 hours.

Is There Enforcement?

Unless a court order or parenting agreement specifically provides otherwise, a Parenting Coordinator does not enforce communication rules or parenting orders. Enforcement is a court function.

When Parenting Coordination Is Not Enough

Parenting coordination works best when both parents can participate in a structured process. In some families, communication is used to demean, intimidate, or exert control. When this behaviour rises to the level of family violence or coercive control, process‑based tools are not sufficient.

Parenting Coordinators are not judges. They cannot issue conduct orders, restraining orders, or impose consequences for abusive communication. In those circumstances, the matter must return to court, where lawful findings and remedies can be made.

Recognizing these limits is not a failure of parenting coordination. It is part of protecting parents and children from further harm.

The Goal

The goal of a Communication Agreement is not perfect communication.

The goal is functional communication: communication that is predictable, limited, and sufficient to allow parents to exchange essential information, consult about decisions, and implement parenting arrangements while reducing conflict exposure for children.

Important Note

This information is provided for general purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. A Parenting Coordinator’s authority arises solely from the wording of the applicable court order and/or parenting coordination agreement.

Written by Cori L. McGuire, a family law lawyer since 1998 and a Parenting Coordinator in British Columbia since 2008.  For related discussion, see The “Goldilocks” Window: Why 24 Hours Is the Sweet Spot for Co‑Parenting Communication, or explore additional materials in the Resource Library.