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The School Is Not the Issue: Reframing Parenting Time, Distance, and Children's Best Interests

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The Issue Is Not the Issue: Why High-Conflict Parenting Disputes Persist

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<h3>A Note About Parenting Coordination and Children's Activities</h3><p>Parenting Coordinators do not decide extracurricular disputes based on general rules or personal preferences. Every determination must be grounded in the specific wording of the applicable court order, parenting coordination agreement, or family law agreement and the particular circumstances of the child involved.&nbsp;</p><p>The <em>Family Law Act</em> (FLA) requires a child-focused analysis based on the best interests of the child. This article discusses common considerations that may arise when parenting schedules, school attendance, extracurricular activities, friendships, and distance between households intersect. It is intended for educational purposes only. Every family is different, and nothing in this article should be understood as legal advice or as a prediction of how any particular dispute should be resolved.&nbsp;</p><h3>When Parenting Schedules Meet Real Childhood</h3><p>One of the most difficult questions separated parents face is this:&nbsp;</p><p>How much of a child's life should revolve around parenting schedules, and how much should parenting schedules adapt to a child's life?&nbsp;</p><p>The question becomes particularly challenging when parents live a significant distance apart. Many separated families live 30 minutes, an hour, or even several hours apart. Initially, the arrangement may appear manageable. Parenting time is scheduled. Exchanges occur. The children move between households according to a predictable calendar.&nbsp;</p><p>Then the children grow. A six-year-old who spends weekends colouring at home eventually becomes a ten-year-old who participates in sports, gymnastics, music lessons, birthday parties, school clubs, and friendships that become increasingly important. The challenge is that childhood does not pause every second weekend.&nbsp;</p><h3>The Childhood Cost of Distance</h3><p>When parents live far apart, children often face choices that other children whose parents live together rarely encounter.&nbsp;<br>Should they attend a friend's birthday party or travel for parenting time?&nbsp;<br></p><ul><li>Should they participate in a tournament or miss the event because of transportation challenges?</li><li>Should they join a sports team that practices on weekends or avoid the activity entirely?</li><li>Should they miss school events because attendance is difficult from the other parent's community?</li></ul><p>These are not merely scheduling questions. They are questions about what kind of childhood the child will experience.&nbsp;</p><p>The answer is rarely that parenting time should simply disappear. Children benefit enormously from meaningful relationships with both parents. At the same time, children benefit from much more than parenting time. They benefit from friendships, sports, music, gymnastics, birthday parties, school activities, and feeling connected to their community. The challenge is finding a balance that preserves both parental relationships and childhood experiences.&nbsp;</p><h3>The Myth of Perfect Equality</h3><p>Many disputes arise because parents understandably focus on preserving every minute of parenting time. The difficulty is that children do not measure their lives in parenting-time calculations. A child may not remember whether a parenting schedule was divided exactly 50/50. They may remember whether they got to play on the soccer team, participate in gymnastics competitions, attend birthday parties with friends, or perform in a school concert.&nbsp;</p><p>A parenting schedule can be mathematically equal while still depriving a child of important developmental experiences. The objective should not be maximizing minutes. Nor should it be maximizing extracurricular participation. The objective should be supporting the best interests of the particular child, including the child's relationships, stability, development, education, community connections, and overall well-being.&nbsp;</p><h3>What Stability Really Means</h3><p>When parents discuss stability, they often focus on the parenting schedule. Certainly, children benefit from knowing where they will sleep, when exchanges occur, and when they will see each parent. Predictable parenting arrangements are important.&nbsp;</p><p>However, stability is broader than a calendar. For children, stability also includes attending the same school, seeing the same friends, participating in familiar activities, learning from the same teachers and coaches, attending birthday parties, and feeling connected to their community. Children do not separate their lives into categories called parenting time, school, sports, friendships, and activities. They experience all of those things together as childhood.&nbsp;</p><p>A child who maintains a perfectly predictable parenting schedule but loses access to friends, activities, and community experiences may not experience that arrangement as particularly stable. The challenge for separated parents is recognizing that stability involves preserving not only parental relationships but also the broader social and developmental experiences that help children thrive.&nbsp;</p><h3>When Activities Occur During Parenting Time</h3><p>One of the most common conflicts arises when a child's activity occurs during one parent's parenting time. Consider a child who has attended the same gymnastics club for several years. The child has established friendships, knows the coaches, understands the routines, and looks forward to attending each week. The only class available at the child's level happens to be offered on Saturday morning.&nbsp;</p><p>A parent may object because the class interferes with their weekend plans. That concern is understandable. Parenting time is valuable, and parents naturally want meaningful time with their children. However, the analysis should not stop there. If the proposed solution is for the child to quit gymnastics or move to a different club solely because the existing program occurs on Saturdays, it is important to consider what the child may lose.&nbsp;</p><p>The child may lose friendships developed over several years. The child may lose relationships with trusted coaches and instructors. The child may lose continuity in training, established routines, and a sense of belonging within a familiar community.&nbsp;</p><p>In some circumstances, changing activities may be entirely appropriate. A program may be too demanding, too expensive, too far away, or no longer aligned with the child's interests. In other situations, however, changing programs may create disruption without producing a corresponding benefit for the child.&nbsp;</p><p>The FLA recognizes stability as an important consideration in assessing a child's best interests. Stability is not limited to preserving a parenting schedule. It may also include preserving important friendships, educational continuity, extracurricular involvement, and community connections that contribute to a child's healthy development.&nbsp;</p><p>The question is not whether gymnastics is more important than parenting time. The question is whether there are practical implementation solutions that allow the child to maintain meaningful relationships with both parents while also preserving the activities, friendships, and experiences that contribute to a healthy childhood. Often there are.&nbsp;</p><h3>What Is Gained Through Participation?</h3><p>Activities provide much more than recreation. Research consistently demonstrates that extracurricular participation can contribute to social development, self-confidence, resilience, teamwork, leadership skills, emotional regulation, and community connection.&nbsp;</p><p>For many children, activities become one of the primary ways they develop an identity outside the family. Gymnastics is not merely gymnastics. Soccer is not merely soccer. Music is not merely music. These activities often become places where children discover talents, develop friendships, build confidence, learn discipline, and experience achievement. When parents evaluate activities solely through the lens of scheduling, they may unintentionally overlook the broader developmental benefits those activities provide.&nbsp;</p><h3>What Adult Children Often Remember</h3><p>Family law professionals sometimes become focused on schedules, percentages, exchanges, and parenting-time calculations. Those issues matter, but children often experience their lives very differently.&nbsp;</p><p>When adults reflect on their childhoods, they rarely describe their upbringing in terms of percentages of parenting time. Instead, they remember friendships, sports teams, gymnastics competitions, birthday parties, school events, teachers, coaches, neighbours, and community experiences that helped shape who they became. They remember whether they felt supported in pursuing their interests. They remember whether they felt connected to both parents. They remember whether they were allowed to participate fully in childhood.&nbsp;</p><p>That does not mean parenting time is unimportant. Meaningful relationships with both parents are often among the most important protective factors in a child's life. The challenge is ensuring that parenting schedules support childhood rather than unintentionally restricting it.&nbsp;</p><h3>The Parenting Coordinator's Role</h3><p>Parenting Coordinators frequently encounter disputes about extracurricular activities, transportation, exchanges, and school attendance. The issue is often framed as a conflict between one parent's schedule and the other parent's preferences. A more useful question may be: How can the children maintain meaningful relationships with both parents while also participating in the normal experiences of childhood?&nbsp;</p><p>The Parenting Coordinator's role is generally not to choose one at the expense of the other whenever a conflict arises. Rather, the goal is to identify practical implementation solutions that allow children to maintain both whenever reasonably possible.&nbsp;</p><p>Those solutions may include activity-based exchanges, transportation adjustments, shared attendance at important events where appropriate, flexibility around special occasions, make-up parenting time where appropriate, participation in activities during both parents' parenting time, and modified exchange times that reduce disruption. The objective is not perfection. The objective is helping children have both parents and a childhood.&nbsp;</p><h3>What About Missing School for Parenting Time?</h3><p>School deserves special consideration. Unlike many extracurricular activities, education is a foundational component of a child's development. Children benefit from regular attendance, consistent routines, academic continuity, peer relationships, and participation in school life.&nbsp;</p><p>Occasional absences for significant family events may be entirely reasonable. However, routinely missing school primarily to maximize parenting time may create costs that outweigh the benefits.&nbsp;</p><p>Parents should ask:&nbsp;</p><ul><li style="list-style-type: none;" data-mce-style="list-style-type: none;"><ul><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">What is the child gaining?</span></li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">What is the child losing? </span></li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">How frequently is this occurring?</span></li><li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Is there a less disruptive alternative?&nbsp;</span></li></ul></li></ul><p>&nbsp;The objective should not be maximizing parenting time at the expense of education. Nor should it be maximizing education at the expense of meaningful parental relationships. The objective is achieving an appropriate balance between both.&nbsp;</p><h3>Competing Child-Focused Considerations</h3><p>Reasonable parents may disagree about extracurricular activities, school attendance, travel, and scheduling because multiple legitimate child-focused considerations may be engaged at the same time.&nbsp;</p><ul><li>Depending on the circumstances, relevant considerations may include:&nbsp;<br>• maintaining meaningful relationships with both parents;&nbsp;<br>• preserving parenting time;&nbsp;<br>• educational stability and school attendance;&nbsp;<br>• participation in extracurricular activities;&nbsp;<br>• friendships and peer relationships;&nbsp;<br>• community involvement;&nbsp;<br>• the child's wishes, where appropriate;&nbsp;<br>• travel burden and fatigue;&nbsp;<br>• financial costs;&nbsp;<br>• family routines and predictability;&nbsp;<br>• developmental needs; and&nbsp;<br>• the impact of parental conflict on the child.&nbsp;</li></ul><p>The significance of any particular factor will vary from child to child and family to family. No single factor automatically determines the outcome.&nbsp;</p><h3>Final Thoughts</h3><p>There is no universal answer to disputes involving extracurricular activities, school attendance, parenting time, or long-distance parenting arrangements. For some children, participation in a particular activity may be highly beneficial and worth significant parental accommodation. For other children, the travel burden, cost, scheduling demands, or impact on family life may outweigh the benefits.&nbsp;</p><p>Similarly, some children may benefit from attending special events, tournaments, competitions, birthday parties, or community activities that occur during parenting time. In other situations, preserving parenting time may be the more important consideration. The FLA does not require decision-makers to prioritize activities over parenting time or parenting time over activities. Rather, it requires an individualized assessment of the child's best interests.&nbsp;</p><p>What this article suggests is simply that stability is broader than a parenting schedule alone. Stability may include school attendance, friendships, extracurricular activities, community involvement, family relationships, routines, and opportunities for healthy childhood development.&nbsp;</p><p>When disputes arise, the challenge is not determining which parent should win. The challenge is identifying the arrangement that best supports the particular child involved. That approach is consistent with both Parenting Coordination and the FLA. It recognizes that children benefit from meaningful relationships with their parents, but also from meaningful participation in the broader experiences that make up childhood.&nbsp;</p><p>In the long run, children are unlikely to remember the precise wording of a parenting schedule. They are far more likely to remember whether they were given the opportunity to build friendships, pursue interests, participate in their community, maintain important relationships, and simply be children.<br></p><p>For further reading about extracurricular activities, try:&nbsp;</p><ul><li><a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/why-secret-activities-are-co-parenting-poison" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/why-secret-activities-are-co-parenting-poison">Why Secret Activities are Co-Parenting Poison</a></li><li><a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-essential-role-of-extracurricular-activities-in-your-child-s-post-divorce-well-being" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-essential-role-of-extracurricular-activities-in-your-child-s-post-divorce-well-being"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The Essential Role of Extracurricular Activities in Your Child's Post-Divorce Well-being</span></a><br></li><li><a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/when--i-don-t-want-to--becomes-a-barrier--navigating-resistance-in-extracurriculars" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/when--i-don-t-want-to--becomes-a-barrier--navigating-resistance-in-extracurriculars"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">When "I Don't Want To" Becomes a Barrier: Navigating Resistance in Extracurriculars</span></a><br></li><li><a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/extracurricular-activities-for-your-child" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/extracurricular-activities-for-your-child"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Extracurricular Activities for your Child</span></a><br></li></ul><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Written by Cori L. McGuire, family law mediator, arbitrator, collaborative family law lawyer and Parenting Coordinator with a family law practice in British Columbia since 1998.&nbsp;</span><br></p><p>© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.</p>

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