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teenage boy looking at his cell phone while holding his hand to his head with worry and sadness

The question of when to give a child a smartphone—and access to social media—is one of the most complex parenting decisions today. For parents coordinating the care of children, especially those with developmental disabilities like Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), ADHD, or intellectual disability, this decision carries even more weight.There is no single "magic age." While some experts recommend waiting until at least the end of 8th grade (around age 13-14) for a smartphone for neurotypical children to mitigate risks like cyberbullying, addiction, and poor sleep, the needs of a neurodivergent child require a more individualized assessment. Their readiness is less about their birth date and more about their unique developmental profile, communication needs, and safety vulnerability.Here is a guide to help you assess readiness and establish healthy boundaries, considering the unique challenges and potential benefits for all children.&nbsp;Part 1: Assessing Readiness – It's Not Just About Age &nbsp;For all children, but especially those who are neurodivergent, a child's maturity and responsibility are the most critical factors.Readiness Factor: Key Questions for All Children Special Considerations for Neurodivergent Children&nbsp; <ul><li>Responsibility &amp; Impulse Control Can your child consistently follow household rules? Do they generally apologize for hurting a friend's feelings?<ul><li>ADHD &amp; Intellectual Disability: Children with ADHD often struggle with impulsivity, making them more likely to post regrettable content or become addicted to the constant stimulation. Children with intellectual disability may struggle with understanding consequences and money management (e.g., in-app purchases).</li></ul></li><li>Social Awareness How well does your child pick up on social cues, tone, and sarcasm in face-to-face interactions<ul><li style="list-style-type: none;"><ul><li>ASD &amp; Intellectual Disability: Many children with ASD are concrete, literal thinkers. Text and social media can lack the context of nonverbal cues, making them extremely vulnerable to misunderstandings, manipulation, and cyberbullying. They may not realize they are being teased or targeted.</li></ul></li></ul></li><li>Safety &amp; Privacy Does your child understand that their digital footprint is permanent? Do they know to never share personal information with strangers?<ul><li>All Neurodivergent Children: This group is at a significantly higher risk for cyberbullying, online harassment, and exploitation. Clear, concrete examples and role-playing on what to share and what is inappropriate are essential teaching tools.</li></ul></li><li>Emotion Regulation How does your child typically manage anxiety or frustration? Do they use screens as their only coping mechanism?<ul><li>Excessive screen use can exacerbate existing challenges like sensory overload, sleep disruption, and anxiety in children with ASD. For children with ADHD, it can be a source of constant, addictive stimulation that draws focus away from important activities. </li></ul></li><li>Parental Preparedness Are you, the parent, ready to model responsible screen use, set clear rules, and consistently monitor their activity? Your role in monitoring and teaching is even more critical. You must be prepared to look at texts, review privacy settings, and have ongoing, open conversations about their online experiences. &nbsp; </li></ul>Part 2: Differentiating Between a Phone and Social Media Access &nbsp;It's vital for parents to understand that a cell phone does not automatically equal social media. You can delay social media access even after providing a smartphone, or opt for a basic device. 1. The Smartphone vs. Basic Phone Decision &nbsp;For a child, especially a neurodivergent one, the primary purpose of a device is often safety and communication with family.<ul><li>Consider a Basic Phone or Smartwatch First: Alternatives like GPS watches or "dumb phones" that allow for calls, pre-set texts, and GPS tracking can offer the necessary safety features without the internet browser, app store, and social media distractions.</li><li>A "Call and Text Only" Phase: If a smartphone is needed, you can initially lock down its functionality, allowing only calls and texts to trusted contacts until your child demonstrates consistent responsibility. &nbsp;</li></ul>2. The Social Media Question &nbsp;For many children, particularly those with existing social and emotional vulnerabilities, no social media may be the safest and most beneficial path.<ul><li>Potential Benefits for Neurodivergent Youth Significant Risks for Neurodivergent Youth Low-Pressure Communication: Typing can remove the pressure of non-verbal cues and real-time social demands (eye contact, body language), reducing social anxiety for those with ASD.</li><li>Cyberbullying: Neurodivergent children are at a significantly higher risk for cyberbullying, which can severely impact mental health.</li><li>Interest-Based Connections: Social media platforms allow for finding communities based on niche interests, fostering a sense of belonging that may be hard to find in person.</li><li>Addiction &amp; Hyper-Focus: The fast-paced, highly stimulating nature of social media is particularly addictive for children with ADHD, and the "need for completion" can hook children with ASD indefinitely.</li><li>Self-Advocacy &amp; Identity: Connecting with other neurodivergent individuals can aid in developing a strong self-identity and sense of community.</li><li>Sleep Disruption: Screen light and the psychological need to check for messages disrupts sleep, which is already a high-risk area for autistic youth.</li><li>Learning &amp; Life Skills: Technology can be an effective tool for teaching life skills through gamified learning and apps.</li><li>Exposure to Predators &amp; Exploitation: Literal thinking and social naivety increase the risk of being misled or manipulated by online predators. &nbsp; </li></ul>Part 3: Establishing a Media Plan for Co-Parents &nbsp;A unified approach between parents is crucial for consistency and safety.<ul><li>Create a Family Media Agreement/Contract: Put all rules in writing. This should cover:</li><li>Screen-Free Zones: No devices at the dinner table, in bedrooms overnight, or during homework. Screen Time Limits: Establish clear, regulated time frames. For example, for children aged 7-12, recommended daily screen time is often between 1-1.5 hours. Content Rules: Specific, concrete rules about what can be watched, what is appropriate to share, and what to do if they see something upsetting. Parental Monitoring is Non-Negotiable: Agree that you will know all passwords, routinely check their device activity, and use parental control apps to filter content, enforce downtime, and track location. This is not about a lack of trust; it is a safety measure to protect a child who is developmentally vulnerable. Use Technology to Teach, Not Just Control: Engage with your child's online world. Play a game with them, watch a video they like, and use real-life events to teach about online etiquette, digital reputation, and recognizing malicious intent. The decision to introduce a smartphone and social media is a fluid, ongoing process. By prioritizing your child’s developmental maturity, focusing on their specific vulnerabilities, and maintaining a coordinated, communicative, and monitored approach, you can help them navigate the digital world safely.</li></ul>

Determining Smartphone and Social Media Readiness

Extracurricular activities like dance, sports, or music lessons are wonderful opportunities for your child to learn, grow, and have fun. These activities are about their experience, their development, and their joy. As parents, your role is to support and encourage them in a way that prioritizes their well-being and positive participation.Focusing on Your Child's Experience It's About Them: Remember that the activity belongs to your child. Their engagement, learning, and enjoyment are the primary goals. This means stepping back and allowing them to fully participate without your personal preferences or past experiences overshadowing their journey. A United Front: When both parents can civilly and positively engage in supporting their child's activities, it sends a powerful message of love and stability. Your child looks out into the audience or at the sidelines and sees a united front, celebrating their efforts. This shared presence reinforces their sense of security and encourages them to thrive. Be a Positive Spectator: Your child benefits immensely from seeing both parents behaving respectfully towards each other and towards the activity's organizers, coaches, or teachers. This models good sportsmanship, cooperation, and respect for authority. Navigating Shared Responsibilities Cooperation is Key: Successful co-parenting in extracurricular activities requires cooperation and a focus on what's best for your child. This includes sharing responsibilities like transportation, attendance at events, and communication with instructors.Respecting Each Other's Role: Both parents have an equal right to be involved in their child's activities. This includes being present for lessons, performances, or games, and interacting with their child as needed. The focus should always be on supporting the child, not on limiting the other parent's involvement. Privacy and Practicalities: In shared spaces like changing rooms, the primary concern is the safety and comfort of all children. This means adhering to the rules and guidelines set by the activity's organizers, which are typically designed to ensure a safe and appropriate environment for everyone. Parental presence in these areas should be solely focused on assisting their own child when necessary and respecting the privacy of other participants.Solutions for Shared Participation and Maintaining Civility Your child benefits most when both parents can actively participate in and support their extracurricular activities, regardless of whose scheduled parenting time it may be. Here are some solutions to help facilitate this while ensuring a positive environment:<ul><li>Maintain Respectful Distance: At events, whenever possible, strive to maintain a physical distance of at least 20 feet from the other parent. This helps to reduce potential tension and allows both parents to enjoy the event without discomfort.</li><li>Always Maintain Civility: Your child is watching you. At all times, exhibit polite and respectful behavior towards the other parent. Avoid any arguments, snide remarks, or negative body language.</li><li>No Badmouthing, Ever: Never speak negatively about the other parent, whether directly to them, to other parents, to organizers, or to coaches/teachers at the event. This is crucial for showing respect to your child and prevents your family from being labeled as "problematic." Your child deserves to enjoy their activities without feeling caught in parental conflict.</li><li>Respect Parenting Time: During the other parent's designated parenting time, take a backseat role. Unless specifically agreed upon in advance, allow the parent with parenting time to take the lead in interacting with the child and managing their needs at the event.</li><li>Private Hellos and Goodbyes: Always allow the parent who does not have parenting time a few private minutes with the child to greet them warmly before the event and to say goodbye afterwards. This small act of consideration means a great deal to your child and the other parent.</li><li>Awards and Certificates: If your child receives an award, certificate, or special recognition, it should go home with the parent who has parenting time. The other parent should be given a moment to view it and celebrate the achievement with their child before it leaves the venue. Do not engage in any disagreement over who takes the award. If you desire a copy for yourself, communicate this request in writing within 24 hours of the event. &nbsp; By focusing on cooperation, mutual respect, and prioritizing your child's experience, you can ensure their extracurricular activities are truly enriching and positive for everyone involved.</li></ul>

Extracurricular Activities for your Child

Voice recorder on a smartphone. Voice recording wave on the screen of a smartphone. Recording sounds on a smartphone. Voice recorder noise level wave.

As a Parenting Coordinator (PC), my primary goal is to help co-parents in British Columbia move past conflict and focus on the best interests of their child. Parenting Coordination is a specialized form of alternative dispute resolution (ADR), and it simply cannot work without a foundational layer of trust and transparency.This is why I must address a serious issue that sometimes arises: the surreptitious (secret) audio or video recording of a co-parent and/or the PC.The Clear Rule: No Secret Recordings &nbsp;Let's be direct: Audio or video recording the PC or your co-parent during the PC process is strictly prohibited without the explicit, written consent of all parties.This is not a recommendation; it is a contractual requirement under paragraph 5.07 of the BC Parenting Coordinator Roster’s standard contract. A violation of this clause is a serious breach of the necessary trust required for this process to succeed.&nbsp;Why Secrecy Undermines the PC Process &nbsp;Parenting Coordination is fundamentally different from family law court. It is not an adversarial system. The focus is on cooperation, constructive problem-solving, and achieving peace for your child. Secret recordings destroy the conditions required for this environment to thrive, for several key reasons:1. It Kills Necessary Frankness and Weaponizes Figurative Language &nbsp;In PC work, I am often required to be very frank with both clients—to challenge assumptions, ask difficult questions, and speak plainly about the realities of your situation. To do this effectively, I cannot be worried about every single phrase being guarded for fear of being taken out of context.We frequently use exaggeration, known as hyperbole, to emphasize strong feelings like frustration. For example, if I am trying to convey that a path is pointless or difficult, I might say, "You don't have to bang your head against the wall."<ol><li>Intended Meaning: Stop the futile struggle; this is extremely difficult or impossible.</li><li>Weaponized Meaning: Secret recordings allow a high-conflict individual (HCI) to isolate that quote and claim they were either physically threatened or that the PC is unprofessional.</li><li>The Goal: By taking this common exaggeration literally, the HCI creates a "threat of violence" narrative to prove bias or misconduct, completely derailing the focus on the child and turning the process adversarial. </li></ol>2. It Creates an Imbalance of Power &nbsp;The person making the secret recording controls the narrative. They choose when to start and when to stop. This means crucial pre- and post-context is missing. A person being recorded could have easily been provoked or acted problematically before the recording began, but only their reaction is captured. This lack of full context makes the recording heavily biased and therefore inappropriate for a process focused on objective resolution.3. The Difference Between Unethical and Criminal &nbsp;Some clients have been advised that it is not criminal to record a conversation when you are a participant. This is a common misunderstanding of the issue.The fact that something is not a criminal act does not mean it is ethical or appropriate in a professional, consensual dispute resolution process. Our work is governed by a contract and a standard of professional conduct, not just the criminal code. Secret recordings are fundamentally unethical in PC.4. It Breeds Resentment and Fixation &nbsp;Secret recordings often reflect an underlying mindset of "fight or flight," where a parent gets stuck on a perceived slight, looking for proof that the PC is biased or the co-parent is “bad.” This is often a "You hurt me and now you must pay" mentality.This is not the focus of Parenting Coordination. Our focus is being partial towards the best interest of the children and guiding both of you towards a constructive resolution and peace. Perpetually seeking proof of bias simply stalls progress and keeps the family in conflict.What To Do Instead: A Respectful and Constructive Path &nbsp;If you have difficulty with something the Parenting Coordinator or your co-parent said, here is the constructive and appropriate way to handle it:<ol><li>Write It Down Immediately: Note the comment as you heard it and when it was said.</li><li>Draft a Respectful Letter: Write a respectful email or letter to your co-parent or the PC addressing the comments.</li><li>State Your Need and Seek Remedy:</li></ol><ul><li style="list-style-type: none;" data-mce-style="list-style-type: none;"><ul style="list-style-type: circle;" data-mce-style="list-style-type: circle;"><li style="">Are you looking for a full explanation or clarity on what was meant?</li><li style="">Are you seeking an apology for the insensitivity of a comment?</li><li style="">Crucially, what remedy are you seeking? (e.g., "I perceive your comment as insensitive, and I request that it does not reoccur.")</li></ul></li></ul>You do not need a recording to state your perception, articulate your boundary, and ask for a commitment to respectful communication.My Non-Negotiable Boundaries &nbsp;My commitment is to the children and the integrity of this process. The use of secret recordings is a profound breach of trust and a violation of our contractual agreement.Recording the PC Process is Non-Negotiable: The terms of the BC Roster's standard contract are not negotiable. If a party seeks to record me, I will refuse to enter into a contract. If a breach occurs during the contract by recording the PC or co-parent, this is grounds for termination. At a minimum, I will immediately cease all verbal conversations with the breaching party, communicating only in writing. This shifts the process to a system of formal determinations to mitigate any perception of bias that could arise from continuing confidential telephone conversations with the non-breaching party. Recording Your Co-Parent Outside of PC Sessions: If you choose to record your co-parent when not in the PC process, you need to be upfront, transparent, and disclose it to them and to me. Given that the goal of Parallel Parenting is to define trust as relying on a pattern of respectful communication, transparency is key. Parenting Coordination requires a high degree of faith in the process and the people involved. Choose transparency, choose trust, and choose peace for your child.

Secret Recordings in Parenting Coordination: Why Transparency is Non-Negotiable

Top view of family hands stacked isolated background. Parents and kid hold empty space a gesture of support and love on Family and Parents Day. Concept of togetherness and trust.

We understand that navigating the language of family law and professional service contracts can be confusing, especially when emotions are high. One term that often causes misunderstanding in high-conflict family matters is the designation of the Parenting Coordinator (PC) as a “neutral third-party.”While this term is well-intentioned—meant to convey a commitment to fairness—it is often imprecise. We believe it’s important to clarify the professional distinction between neutrality and impartiality to ensure you fully understand the commitment your PC makes to you and, most importantly, to your child.Why "Neutral" Doesn't Quite Fit the Job In the world of conflict resolution, neutrality suggests a complete detachment from the outcome. A truly neutral person doesn't care which solution is chosen, as long as the parties agree.When a PC acts in a purely mediation role, facilitating communication to help parents reach their own consensus, they are certainly acting neutrally. But a Parenting Coordinator is often called upon to do something more definitive: determination (or quasi-arbitration).In a determination, the PC must actively evaluate the facts, weigh the submissions from both sides, and make a binding decision. By making a decision, the PC is, by definition, no longer neutral about the outcome—they are legally compelled to decide and, in doing so, to favor one course of action over another.The Standard We Uphold: Impartiality The professional and ethical standard for third-party decision-makers in family matters is impartiality. This is the standard judges and arbitrators uphold, and it is the standard your Parenting Coordinator operates under.Impartiality means the PC promises fairness in process, not neutrality in outcome.When your PC is impartial, it means they are committed to three core duties:<ol><li>No Bias: The PC acts without personal preference or favoritism toward either parent.</li><li>Equal Process: Both parties are treated equally, given a fair and equal opportunity to present all their concerns and submissions.</li><li>Unwavering Focus: The PC remains singularly focused on one overriding objective when making a binding decision: The Child’s Best Interests.</li></ol>The Child's Best Interests: Our Only Bias The central conflict is this: your PC is impartial regarding you (the parents), but they are not neutral regarding the child.When a PC issues a ruling, they are choosing the path that, in their professional judgment, best meets the child's needs. If one parent's proposal aligns more closely with the child's best interests, the PC is ethically and legally obligated to choose that path.A negative determination against your submission is not evidence that the PC was biased; it is evidence that the PC was impartial in process but decisive in outcome, ruling according to their professional duty to the child.By emphasizing the word impartiality, we seek to offer greater transparency and clarity to the public and to align our terminology with the high judicial standards required of those who make binding decisions in the lives of children. We are committed to a process that is fair, balanced, and always centered on the well-being of the children we serve.

Neutrality vs. Impartiality: Understanding the Core Ethical Role of Your Parenting Coordinator

As a parenting coordinator, I've seen it all—the tough conversations, the misunderstandings, and the genuine desire from parents to do what’s best for their children. It’s a challenging job for everyone involved.One of the most valuable tools in my practice might seem a bit old-fashioned: handouts.When I first started using them, I worried they might feel too much like a school lecture. But I've learned they're actually one of the most effective ways to normalize and standardize the co-parenting process.Let's get one thing straight: these handouts are not about judgment.They aren’t saying, "You’re doing this wrong, here's how to fix it." Instead, they are about empowerment and collaboration. They are designed to show you that the difficulties you're facing are common. They are meant to give you a clear, neutral foundation for our work together.By using these resources, we can:Move past the emotions of the moment and focus on proven strategies. Build a shared vocabulary for discussing difficult topics. Shift the focus from blaming each other to building a better future for your family. My goal is never to be a critic or nag in your family's story. It's to be a guide and a resource. These materials are simply a way to make that process more efficient, more respectful, and ultimately, more successful for you and your children.

Beyond the Judgment: Why I Use Handouts in Parenting Coordination

When parents live far apart, choosing the right school for their child can be a complex and emotional process. It requires careful consideration of what's best for the child's stability, education, and well-being. This guide breaks down the key factors to consider, from legal obligations to practical compromises, to help you navigate this important decision.1. The Legal Starting Point: Agreement or Order &nbsp;The first and most crucial step is to determine if a formal agreement or court order is already in place regarding the child's schooling. If so, you must follow it. If not, parents should strive to reach a mutual decision. In British Columbia, the Family Law Act provides a framework for making decisions in a child's best interests. Section 37 outlines several factors that a court and your parenting coordinator considers when making orders, including:<ul><li>The child's health and emotional well-being.</li><li>The child's views, unless inappropriate.</li><li>The history of the child's care.</li><li>The need to protect the child from family violence.</li><li>The child's relationship with each parent and other family members.</li><li>The child's need for stability.</li><li>The ability of each person to care for the child.</li><li>The impact of any change in the child's care.</li><li>Any civil or criminal proceedings relevant to the child's safety.</li><li>The child's cultural, linguistic, and religious upbringing. </li></ul>These factors can serve as a helpful guide for parents trying to make their own decision, even without court intervention.2. Location and Community: Splitting the Difference or Staying Put? &nbsp;A key question is whether the child should attend school in the catchment of one parent or somewhere in the middle. There are pros and cons to each approach:<ul><li>Attending school in a parent's catchment area: This provides a sense of community, stability, and belonging as the child can build friendships and participate in local activities with friends. They'll have a consistent peer group and access to local amenities. This arrangement works well when one parent is the primary caregiver or when travel to school is already an issue.</li><li>Splitting the travel distance: Choosing a school in the middle might seem like a fair compromise, but it could mean the child spends significant time commuting and lacks a consistent sense of community at either parent's home. The child may feel like a visitor rather than a resident in both places. This may also limit their ability to form friendships and participate in after-school activities with peers. </li></ul>It's important to consider which option provides the child with the most stable and supportive environment.3. Special Needs and Educational Fit &nbsp;The school's ability to meet your child's specific needs is paramount.Does your child have special needs? If so, you need to research which schools have the best resources, programs, and staff to support them. You'll need to look beyond general reputation and focus on specific support services like Individualized Education Programs (IEPs), speech therapy, or occupational therapy. Are there any special attributes that resonate with the child's needs? Consider schools with strong athletic programs, French immersion, or trades-focused education if those align with your child's interests and aptitudes. School ratings: Resources like the Fraser Institute's school rankings can be a useful starting point, but they should not be the sole factor. These rankings often focus on academic performance and don't necessarily reflect a school's strengths in other areas like arts, sports, or special education. It's worth visiting schools and speaking to the principals and teachers to get a true sense of the school's culture and its capacity to meet your child's needs.4. Financial and Practical Considerations &nbsp;Can you afford private school? Private school may offer a unique educational experience but often comes with a significant cost. Both parents must be in agreement and able to contribute financially. Extracurricular activities: If the child attends school in one parent's area, can they still participate in extracurriculars in the other parent's area? This requires a great deal of coordination and may not always be practical. However, if the parents are willing to cooperate, it can be a great way to ensure the child maintains a connection to both communities. &nbsp; 5. The Power of Compromise &nbsp;When parents are at odds, seeking a compromise is often the best path forward, as it helps avoid a costly and stressful court determination.Here are some ways to find a middle ground:<ul><li>Divide extracurriculars: Maybe the child attends school in one location and participates in a main sport or club in the other.</li><li>Focus on the big picture: Remember that a child's sense of stability, security, and love is more important than where they attend school.</li><li>Reducing the Commute Together: It's important to remember that a long daily commute is a burden on the child, not just the parent doing the driving. One parent's decision to move shouldn't automatically mean the child has to spend an extra two hours in a car or in childcare. An excellent compromise is to share the driving. This could mean that the parent who lives farther away meets the other parent halfway, or that you work together to manage drop-offs and pickups. This reduces the child's time in a vehicle and ensures they have more relaxed, quality time with both parents. &nbsp;</li></ul>By keeping the focus on your child's best interests and being willing to compromise, you can find a solution that works for everyone. While the situation is challenging, navigating it successfully can set a positive example for your child about cooperation and resilience. 6. A Real-Life Example: The Commuting Parent &nbsp;Let's consider a common scenario. Two parents, Jane and Mark, lived in the same city and agreed their children would attend a daycare close to their respective workplaces. Then, Jane decided to move an hour away to another suburb. Now, Jane wants the children to attend school near her new home, arguing they have "two equally important homes."&nbsp;A parenting coordinator helps them assess the situation, highlighting a key flaw in Jane's reasoning: her personal choice to move is creating a significant burden on the children and the other parent. Here’s why:<ul><li>Long Commutes: On school days, both parents still work in the same city. If the children attend school in Jane's catchment, Mark would have to drive them for two hours each way on his days, just to get them to and from school and his job. This daily 4 hour commute for the children is a direct consequence of Jane's move.</li><li>Impact on the Child: Such a lengthy commute would force the children to wake up much earlier and be in extended-hour childcare, adding significant stress and fatigue. It's not in their best interest to spend so much time commuting, particularly when it's avoidable.</li></ul>Prioritizing the Child's Needs: The parenting coordinator explained that while Jane's new home is important to her, a parent's lifestyle choices should not negatively impact the child's daily routine and well-being. The child’s need for stability and a reasonable daily schedule takes precedence over a parent's preference for a school near their new residence. Ultimately, the best interest of the children is to minimize unnecessary travel and ensure a stable, consistent routine. Jane's decision to move, while valid for her, does not automatically obligate the children or the other parent to bear the resulting logistical burden. This example underscores the principle that the child's needs—not a parent's convenience—must be the primary consideration.

Cori L. McGuire Parenting Coordinator

Blog

Determining Smartphone and Social Media Readiness

Extracurricular Activities for your Child

Secret Recordings in Parenting Coordination: Why Transpar...

Neutrality vs. Impartiality: Understanding the Core Ethic...

Beyond the Judgment: Why I Use Handouts in Parenting Coor...

Choosing a School: A Guide for Separated Parents