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a group of young men playing a game of ice hockey

<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(30px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(30px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">How Parenting Coordination Helps Parents Make High‑Stakes DecisionsParenting a gifted child can be both a privilege and a pressure point—particularly for separated or divorced parents. Decisions about elite sports, musical or theatrical talents, advanced academic programming, grade‑skipping, specialized enrichment, school absences, or even changing schools often carry heightened emotional and practical stakes. When parents hold differing views about what is “best,” these decisions can quickly resemble a heated rivalry—where conflict escalates and collaboration breaks down.Parenting Coordination offers a structured, child‑focused methodology for resolving these disputes, helping parents move from conflict to clarity while keeping the child’s best interests at the center.<h3>Why Gifted Children Create Unique Parenting Disputes</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Gifted children—whether athletically, intellectually, or both—often require non‑standard parenting decisions, including: • Intensive sports commitments (e.g., elite hockey schedules, travel, missed school)• Advanced academic opportunities (grade skipping, special programs, enrichment tracks)• School attendance flexibility• Transitions between schools or programsEach parent may genuinely believe they are advocating for the child, yet approach these decisions from very different perspectives:• One parent may emphasize opportunity, momentum, and long‑term potential• The other may prioritize balance, emotional wellbeing, peer relationships, or stabilityWithout structure, these disagreements can become entrenched, emotional, and harmful to both co‑parenting relationships and the child.<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The Cori L. McGuire Parenting Coordination Approach The Cori L. McGuire Parenting Coordination approach provides a practical and legally informed framework to resolve these disputes. Parenting Coordination is not therapy and not litigation—it is a decision‑support and decision‑making process grounded in family law and child development principles.This approach begins with the Five Pillars of Parenting Coordination:1. Managing EmotionsHelping parents regulate heightened emotions so decisions are not driven by fear, frustration, or rivalry.2. Flexible ThinkingMoving away from rigid “all‑or‑nothing” positions toward problem‑solving and adaptability.3. Managing BehaviourEstablishing expectations around respectful communication and child‑focused conduct.4. Checking YourselfEncouraging accountability, reflection, and awareness of one’s own role in the conflict.5. Taking the Perspective of OthersUnderstanding the child’s experience and the other parent’s viewpoint, even when there is disagreement.<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Clear, Structured Communication: BIFF and Our Family Wizard <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Effective Parenting Coordination requires clear, respectful, and documented communication. Parents are expected to communicate through Our Family Wizard using Bill Eddy's BIFF principles: • Brief• Informative• Friendly• FirmCommunication must avoid blaming, accusing, criticizing or dwelling on the past. This structure reduces escalation and creates a reliable record for decision‑making when consensus cannot be reached.<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">From Proposal to Resolution: A Practical Path Forward Parents are required to begin by making a clear, written proposal regarding the issue at hand—whether it involves hockey commitments, academic acceleration, or school changes. If parents are unable to resolve the issue themselves by consensus:1. The Parenting Coordinator is engaged2. The issue is clearly defined and framed3. Multiple options are explored in a structured manner4. Each option is assessed in accordance with Section 37 of the Family Law Act, focusing on the best interests of the childThe Parenting Coordinator may then make recommendations, and draft an agreement.&nbsp;If no agreement, and if authorized, the parenting coordinator will make a determination, ensuring:&nbsp; &nbsp; • Procedural fairness&nbsp; &nbsp; • An opportunity for both parents to be heard&nbsp; &nbsp; • A child‑focused, legally grounded outcome<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">A Realistic Parenting Coordination Example: Elite Hockey and School Attendance In one parenting coordination matter, the parents disagreed about their twelve‑year‑old child’s continued participation in an elite spring and summer hockey program. The program involved out‑of‑province travel, weekday tournaments, and practices that resulted in the child missing approximately one to two days of school per week during peak periods.The child had been involved in competitive hockey since early childhood and had recently been selected for a higher‑level team. The child expressed a strong desire to continue, describing hockey as “the one thing I’m really good at” and identifying closely with the team and coaching staff.One parent was concerned that the time commitment was no longer reasonable. That parent noted that the child was not identified by the program as a top prospect, had not been invited to elite development camps, and that the family was incurring significant costs for travel, equipment, and private training. This parent raised concerns about cumulative learning gaps, fatigue, and increasing resistance from the school regarding excused absences.The other parent supported continued participation and viewed the issue less in terms of professional outcomes and more in terms of character development. That parent emphasized the family’s long‑standing involvement in hockey, the child’s motivation, and the perceived long‑term benefits of commitment, including work ethic, resilience, and learning to manage competing demands. That parent also expressed concern that withdrawing the child at this stage would undermine confidence and damage the parent‑child relationship.Communication between the parents had become strained, with exchanges focused on perceived irresponsibility on one side and perceived rigidity on the other. The child was aware of the disagreement and had begun expressing anxiety about “having to choose.”<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Parenting Coordination Process<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Through parenting coordination, the issue was narrowed to whether the current level of hockey participation, rather than hockey itself, was consistent with the child’s best interests at that time.The parents had &nbsp;tried to negotiate without success on OFW using BIFF‑compliant messages and advanced concrete proposals. The PC reviewed the messages, and through mediation obtained clarification regarding school expectations, attendance concerns, and academic performance, and considered the practical realities of transportation, costs, and parental availability.Recommendations were provided in writing with a sample draft agreement but the parties still disagreed. &nbsp;The analysis considered multiple best‑interest factors under Section 37 of the Family Law Act, including:• The child’s emotional and psychological needs, including stress related to parental conflict• The child’s views, weighed in light of age and maturity• The child’s educational needs, including the impact of missed instructional time• The parents’ respective abilities to support both academic and extracurricular commitments• The need to minimize exposure to conflict and avoid placing the child in a loyalty bind• The importance of stability and predictability in the child’s routineA Determination notice was provided in writing with instructions and a timeline for both parties to make submissions. Prior to the Determination commencement, the parties came to an agreement that was quickly drafted by the PC and signed by all.<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Resolution <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The matter was resolved with a structured arrangement that allowed the child to continue participating in hockey for the remainder of the season, subject to defined limits on school absences and clearer coordination with the school. The arrangement required advance notice of travel, academic catch‑up planning, and a scheduled review before the following season to reassess the balance between athletics and education. The resolution did not assume future professional success, nor did it require the parents to agree on the ultimate value of elite sport. Instead, it addressed the child’s immediate needs, reduced conflict exposure, and preserved the ability to revisit the decision as circumstances evolved. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The result was not a “winner” and a “loser,” but a sustainable parenting decision grounded in the child’s best interests.<h3>Conclusion</h3>Gifted children often magnify parenting disagreements—but they also benefit most from clear structure, calm decision‑making, and cooperative problem‑solving. Parenting Coordination transforms high‑conflict, high‑stakes disputes into manageable decisions guided by law, best practices, and the child’s long‑term wellbeing.When parenting begins to feel like a heated rivalry, Parenting Coordination offers a way forward—focused not on winning, but on what truly matters.Written by Cori McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 and family law lawyer in British Columbia since 1998. For further reading about applying BC's "best interests of the child" law to specific children's needs, visit: <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/children-with-additional-needs" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/children-with-additional-needs">Children with Additional Needs</a>.© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.

“Heated Rivalry”: Parenting Disputes About Gifted Children

brown wooden bench on lake dock during daytime

High‑conflict parenting situations exist on a spectrum, and most families who enter Parenting Coordination are not at the far end of it.Many parents arrive overwhelmed, reactive, and uncertain, but still capable of learning. With time, structure, and support, they gradually develop better communication habits, reduce conflict, and regain a sense of stability for their children. For these families, coaching‑based Parenting Coordination is often effective—and change, while imperfect, is real.This article is not about those cases.What follows describes what happens only after good‑faith efforts at education, structure, and coaching have already been tried and have not worked at that point in time. It reflects the later stages of a small subset of high‑conflict cases, where the usual tools are no longer sufficient and different forms of structure are required to protect children and manage process fairly.It is important to say this plainly because a common question arises in these situations:“Why can’t you just teach them to communicate better?”In many cases, the answer is straightforward: we can—and we do.My Parenting Coordination work is grounded in neuroscience, emotional regulation, and clear communication rules designed to reduce conflict and protect children from being caught in the middle. When parents are able to learn and adapt—even imperfectly—the results can be meaningful: lower conflict, reduced cost, and children who no longer feel responsible for managing adult problems.But there is an important truth that deserves to be stated clearly and honestly:Some Parenting Coordination cases cannot succeed in a coaching‑based or insight‑oriented model, no matter how clear the rules or how much education is provided.This is not a moral judgment. It is a reality of human capacity under stress.<h3>What Coaching‑Based Parenting Coordination Assumes</h3>All coaching‑based Parenting Coordination models rely on several basic assumptions:• That parents can follow neutral communication rules• That feedback leads to some degree of behavioural adjustment• That adult emotions can be managed separately from a child’s needs• That short‑term discomfort can be tolerated in service of long‑term stabilityWhen these assumptions hold—even inconsistently—education and coaching can work very well.When they do not, the process itself begins to break down.<h3>A Pattern That Appears in a Subset of High‑Conflict Cases</h3>Over many years of practice, a small but consistent group of cases follows a predictable pattern:• Every interaction is framed through a story of victimization• Responsibility for conflict is consistently externalized• Neutral communication rules are argued rather than applied• Previously addressed issues are repeatedly re‑litigated• Delays and procedural disputes increase cost and complexity• Eventually, the Parenting Coordinator is reframed as biased or harmfulWhat matters most is this:These patterns persist despite repeated explanation, clarification, and education.At that point, the issue is not misunderstanding. It is non‑adaptation.<h3>Why More Coaching Can Sometimes Make Things Worse</h3>Modern conflict resolution emphasizes insight, emotional awareness, and understanding past experiences. For many parents, this approach is helpful.For others, it is not.Some parents experience neutral rules not as structure, but as threat.Some experience neutrality not as fairness, but as betrayal.Some rely on conflict itself to regulate overwhelming emotions.In these situations:• More explanation leads to more argument• More emotional language leads to more grievance• More time leads to more cost, without reducing harmContinuing to coach under these conditions does not resolve conflict—it prolongs it.<h3>Children and Conflict: An Important Distinction</h3>It is neither realistic nor accurate to suggest that children are never aware of parental conflict.Most children know their parents do not like each other. Divorce itself is evidence of conflict. Even generally healthy parents occasionally make a snide or frustrated remark within a child’s earshot. Most children are resilient enough to understand that parents are imperfect and that they still have permission to love both parents.This kind of ordinary exposure does not make Parenting Coordination impossible.The problem arises at a different point.What undermines children’s wellbeing—and the Parenting Coordination process—is toxic enlistment, such as when a child is:• Repeatedly used as a messenger or intermediary• Asked to validate one parent’s grievance against the other• Exposed to adult narratives of blame, fear, or moral judgment• Positioned as an ally, confidant, or emotional support• Pressured, directly or indirectly, to take sidesAt this level, the child is no longer simply aware of conflict; the child has become part of the emotional system of the conflict.When this pattern is persistent and resistant to correction, coaching‑based approaches often fail—not because a parent is “bad,” but because the conflict has become organized around the child.<h3>Education Has Limits: Managing Process Fairly</h3>Parenting Coordination is an educative process. Parents are taught how to understand and apply court orders, agreements, and child‑focused communication rules. In most cases, this education leads to improved behaviour over time.In some cases, however, the same issues are raised again and again despite repeated explanation. Communications remain non‑compliant. Previously addressed topics are revisited without integration.At this point, continuing to re‑teach the same material is no longer productive.Parenting Coordinators do not enforce court orders. Courts have been clear that the PC role is not coercive or punitive. Instead, the PC’s responsibility is to manage the process fairly.When one parent repeatedly requires additional time on issues that have already been addressed, it would be unreasonable for the other parent—who is following the guidance, agreements, and orders—to absorb the cost of that repetition.For this reason, Parenting Coordinators may reapportion fees for time spent revisiting the same topic or correcting repeated non‑compliance. This is not punishment, and it is not enforcement. It is a fairness‑based response to process misuse, intended to:• Protect the cooperative parent from unnecessary cost• Maintain proportionality in the process• Encourage adaptation without shaming or escalation<h3>When the Process Shifts to Determination‑Only</h3>In some cases, education and coaching do not lead to meaningful behavioural change. When that happens, the Parenting Coordination process must become more structured and more limited.This often involves moving to a determination‑only model, sometimes preceded by recommendations that explain why a particular parental position is not in the child’s best interests.For many parents, these explanations are helpful—even when the outcome is disappointing.For others, they are not.<h3>What Often Happens Next: Allegations of Bias and Defunding</h3>A further pattern appears with striking consistency in a subset of cases.When determinations or recommendations do not align with a parent’s preferred narrative, particularly when the reasoning is child‑focused rather than grievance‑focused, allegations of bias often emerge.This reaction is not necessarily about the quality of the reasoning provided. Rather, it reflects difficulty tolerating outcomes that do not confirm a fixed sense of victimhood.As structure increases and options narrow, the Parenting Coordinator is no longer experienced as neutral, but as aligned with the other parent or with the system itself.At this point, a predictable financial consequence often follows: the parent withdraws funding from the Parenting Coordination process.The BC Parenting Coordinator's Roster Society's &nbsp;current participation agreement allows one parent to carry the cost and have fees reapportioned. While this may be permissible, it is rarely a sustainable solution. Continuing without a clear funding framework simply adds an extra procedural step, increases cost, and delays resolution.The issue at this stage is no longer the substantive parenting disagreement. It is process viability.<h3>Why a Return to Court Is Sometimes Unavoidable</h3>When a Parenting Coordination process is defunded following allegations of bias, a return to court is often necessary. Courts are best positioned to:• Address funding and cost‑sharing models• Clarify the scope and limits of the PC role• Determine whether Parenting Coordination remains appropriate• Re‑establish a workable structure going forwardWhile this outcome is frustrating for parents, it reflects an important reality:No out‑of‑court process can function if one party rejects both the outcomes and the mechanism itself.Attempting to continue Parenting Coordination without court involvement in these circumstances does not reduce conflict. It simply prolongs it.<h3>A Final Word</h3>Most parents want to do better—and many can, with the right structure and support.But Parenting Coordination also requires honesty about its limits.When cooperation is not possible, clarity, structure, and proportionality are not failures.They are protective tools.The most important question in any high‑conflict parenting situation is not who is right, but:What process best protects the children and treats both parents fairly right now?Even when Parenting Coordination must become more limited or return to court, something important has still occurred: the parents were given a real opportunity to try. Skills were explained. Structure was offered. Time was allowed. People can only work with the capacity they have right now, and capacity can change with time, maturity, treatment, or changing circumstances. Children, however, grow up on schedule. When an intervention is wrong for the moment, it should be postponed rather than forced—but it is never too late to do better. The goal is not perfection. It is to choose the right level of structure at the right time, while keeping open the possibility of growth in the future.<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Written by Cori McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 and a family law lawyer since 1998 in British Columbia.&nbsp;© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.

When Parenting Coordination Doesn’t Work — and Why Structure Sometimes Matters More Than Coaching

For many families, Spring Break is a welcome reprieve of skiing at Big White or heading south for some sun. But for separated parents in British Columbia, it is often the "February Friction" that leads to a March meltdown.As a Parenting Coordinator (PC), I see the same patterns repeat every year. These disputes aren’t usually about a lack of love for the child; they are about a fundamental misunderstanding of what "parenting time" is meant to achieve.1. The Child’s Break vs. The Parent’s Time The most common mistake parents make is viewing Spring Break as a "possession" to be divided. In BC, we have to shift the lens: Spring Break belongs to the child.If we apply parenting schedules too rigidly, children are often pulled out of hockey camps or dance intensives halfway through because "the hand-off is Wednesday." This doesn't just disrupt the activity; it isolates the child from their peers and creates a sense that their world is constantly being fractured by a calendar.The PC Perspective: Parenting time is a framework to support the child’s life, not a boundary that should limit their access to normal childhood experiences.2. The "Veto" Trap: Camps and Activities We often see conflict when a camp spans both parents' time. One parent signs the child up; the other refuses to bring them during "their" days because they weren't consulted or simply don't want to lose the time.This "veto power" is rarely in the child’s best interest. When a child joins a program late, they miss the "ice-breakers," the formation of friend groups, and the establishment of routines. They enter the room feeling like an outsider.Our goal in Parenting Coordination is to prioritize continuity. We look at:Proportionality: Is one parent losing all their holiday time? Notice: Was this a surprise, or a planned opportunity? Impact: What does the child lose by being the only one to show up on Day 3?3. The "Grey Area" of the Calendar When does Spring Break actually start? You’d be surprised how many thousands of dollars in legal fees are spent debating "Friday after school" versus "Saturday morning" or the "first Monday".In BC, unless a court order explicitly states otherwise, there is no standard interpretation. Is it fair to start it how it is labeled on the school calendar? Is it defined as the first missed usual day of school? Does Spring Break run three weekends from the moment the school bell rings on the last day of classes until the first bell rings on the day school resumes? Clearer language in your agreements today saves a crisis in the driveway tomorrow.Why &nbsp;Refer to a Parenting Coordination For my colleagues in the legal community: We all know that Spring Break disputes are often "high-heat, low-asset" conflicts. They take up hours of your time but rarely require a Supreme Court Justice to resolve.By referring these files to a Parenting Coordinator, you ensure:<ul><li>Speed: We can make a determination in days, not months.</li><li>Finality: We create rules that apply to future years, not just this one.</li><li>Cost-Effectiveness: The file stays out of the courtroom, allowing you to focus on the broader litigation or settlement. </li></ul>The Spring Break Planning Checklist If you can’t answer these three questions by February 1st, a dispute is likely on the horizon:<ol><li style="">Does our agreement account for the "third weekend" that often occurs during the break?</li><li style="">Has travel been disclosed with full itineraries and contact info (not just "we're going to Mexico")</li><li style="">If I am saying "no" to an activity, is it because it's bad for the child, or because I'm frustrated with my ex-partner?</li></ol>Let’s Plan for Next Year Spring Break disputes are highly predictable, which means they are also preventable. Whether you are a parent looking for a smoother season or a lawyer looking for a reliable referral, Parenting Coordination offers the structure that a standard court order sometimes lacks.Don't fight the same battle every year. Let's build a better framework.Written by Cori McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator with 28 years of family law experience in British Columbia. For other articles read <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/what-high-conflict-co-parents-need-to-know-about-parenting-coordination-and-parallel-parenting" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/what-high-conflict-co-parents-need-to-know-about-parenting-coordination-and-parallel-parenting">Parallel Parenting</a>, and our <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog">Blog</a>. Check out our <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/methods" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/methods">Methods</a>, <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/services" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/services">Services</a> and our <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library">Resource Library</a>.&nbsp;

Spring Break or Breaking Point? A Parenting Coordinator’s Guide to BC’s Most Predictable Conflict

<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Many parents enter separation believing that if they follow the court order and remain reasonable, things will eventually settle. For some families, that happens. For others, it does not.This article is for parents living in that harder reality:where one parent is making genuine efforts to follow the order, professionals—including Parenting Coordinators—are ethically required to implement it as written, and the other parent’s behaviour remains inconsistent, destabilizing, or harmful to the child.Although personality disorders drive extreme high conflict, we do not rely on personality labels here. Even when a diagnosis exists, labels rarely improve outcomes. Parenting coordination focuses on observable behaviour, impact on the child, and what can realistically be improved within the structure that exists.Sometimes the most important question is not “Who is right?” but:“What is possible now, without making things worse?”<h3>The Core Reality: Parenting Coordination Works From What Exists</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">A Parenting Coordinator does not redesign court orders or correct decisions that no longer fit the family. Ethically and legally, a PC begins with the existing order and works to implement it. This is profoundly frustrating for parents who are:• following the order carefully,• supporting the child’s relationship with the other parent,• and doing much of the emotional regulation and repair work,while the other parent disregards rules, undermines structure, or behaves in ways that continue to harm the child.When this mismatch persists, parents often ask:“If the order isn’t protecting my child, why are we still enforcing it?”That question deserves a serious, honest answer.<h3>Safety, Harm, and the Limits of the Process</h3>Parenting coordination is designed to reduce conflict and improve compliance, not to resolve harm that cannot be stabilized within the existing framework.Ethical practice requires that court review be recommended when:• a child is being actively harmed,• the PC process is not reducing conflict or improving compliance,• or the structure itself is contributing to repeated crises.At the same time, court is not a neutral space. For some families, litigation becomes a vehicle for escalation, control, or exhaustion rather than resolution.Parents are often trapped in a painful paradox:• Staying the course can feel like allowing harm to continue.• Returning to court can expose the family to stress, cost, and further conflict, with no guarantee of improvement.This is not a failure of the parent. It is a structural problem in how some cases unfold.<h3>When One Parent Is Stable: Why “Enough” Still Matters</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">There is a common fear that if one parent is toxic, the child is destined for a life of "Adverse Childhood Experiences" (ACEs) and emotional struggle. However, the research tells a more hopeful story. While Dr. Joan B. Kelly’s seminal work emphasizes the "vital necessity" of both parents remaining involved for a child's well-being, this research assumes a baseline of safety. When one parent is incapable of providing a healthy environment, the focus shifts from quantity of parents to the quality of the bond.This is supported by the landmark <a data-mce-href="https://www.pathwaysrtc.pdx.edu/pdf/fpS0504.pdf" href="https://www.pathwaysrtc.pdx.edu/pdf/fpS0504.pdf">Kauai Longitudinal Study conducted by Dr. Emmy Werner</a>. Werner followed 698 children for 40 years to see why some thrived despite trauma while others did not. Her finding was revolutionary: A child does not need two perfect parents to be resilient. They need at least one stable, caring, and supportive adult.By being that "Anchor," you provide a buffer. You are the lens through which they learn to interpret the world. If you are stable, they have a path to stability.<h3>The Risk of Doing Too Much: When Protection Backfires</h3>When children return from parenting time dysregulated, confused, or distressed, parents experience an understandable urge to protect:• to explain,• to correct,• to expose what is happening.But this is where risk arises.Courts and professionals assess behaviour, not intent. When a child is drawn—directly or indirectly—into adult narratives about the other parent, even with protective motivation, this can be framed as gatekeeping or alienating behaviour.Alienation is not a diagnosis. It is a pattern of conduct in which a child is pressured to reject a parent and complies. Once alleged, attention often shifts away from the child’s lived experience and toward parental blame—rarely to the child’s benefit.<h3>Parallel Parenting: Making the Order Work Without Escalation</h3>In high‑conflict cases, collaborative co‑parenting is often unrealistic. A more workable model is parallel parenting: clear boundaries, limited emotional crossover, and predictability where you have control.This does not require approval of the other parent’s behaviour. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">It requires discipline in what you model.Key practices:1. Teach observation, not interpretationIf a child says, “Dad said you didn’t want me,”a response might be:“That’s a big thing to hear. What do you remember about that time?”This keeps the child anchored in their own experience.2. Validate feelings without assigning blame“That sounds confusing.”“It makes sense you feel upset.”Validation does not require explanation or correction.Be calm, predictable, and consistentHigh‑conflict dynamics feed on emotional reaction. Steadiness is not passivity; it is containment. Over time, children notice the difference.<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">When the Order Isn’t Working—and Court Isn’t a Clear Solution Some parents are bound by final orders that made sense at the time but no longer reflect the child’s needs. Behaviour has not improved. Harm continues. And yet, returning to court feels dangerous, expensive, or destabilizing.In these situations, there is no perfect answer. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Sometimes the most protective course is:• reducing engagement,• documenting without over‑engaging,• strengthening stability in the environments you control,• and allowing time and development to do some of the work.This is not giving up. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">It is a strategic decision to avoid escalation that may cause more harm than relief.At other times, court review is necessary—and delaying it increases risk. An experienced Parenting Coordinator will say so clearly and document that recommendation.What matters is that the decision is informed, child‑centred, and grounded in reality, not driven by pressure to win or prove a point.<h3>Tools for the Anchor Parent: Staying Grounded When Change Is Limited</h3>Being the stable parent in a high‑conflict system is exhausting. These tools are not about fixing the other parent. They are about protecting your clarity and endurance.1. Role ResetAsk regularly: “Am I parenting—or trying to fix the system?”Return to your core role: stable parent, not problem‑solver for everyone.The Evidence FilterBefore responding, ask:• Is this harmful or merely uncomfortable?• Is it a pattern or a one‑off?• Will responding reduce or increase conflict for my child?2. The Long LensAsk: “How will my child understand this at 16?”Children remember regulation, not arguments.3. Containment BoundariesOffer comfort without investigation. Acknowledge feelings without pulling for details. This protects the child—and you.4. External ValidationHave one reliable professional sounding board. Do not seek validation from the other parent or the court.<h3>The Long View: Stability Is Not Nothing</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Parenting coordination often asks parents to tolerate unfairness and restraint longer than feels reasonable. But children watch patterns, not positions.When one parent consistently provides:• emotional safety,• predictable structure,• and freedom from adult conflict,that parent becomes the child’s reference point for healthy relationships.This approach does not promise perfection. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">It offers workability.And for many children, workable, steady, and safe is enough to carry them forward—even when the system itself is imperfect.<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal);" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal);">Written by Cori McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 and a family law lawyer since 1998 &nbsp;in British Columbia. If you want more information on protecting children going wrong, read <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/child-contact--alienation-problems" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/child-contact--alienation-problems" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal);" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal);">Child Contact/ Alienation Problems</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal);" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal);">. For further reading visit our extensive <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal);" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal);">Resource Library</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal);" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal);"> and the external resources from Harvard on <a data-mce-href="https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resource-guides/guide-resilience/" href="https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resource-guides/guide-resilience/" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal);" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal);">Resiliency</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal);" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal);">.

The Anchor Parent: Thriving in the Wake of a High Conflict Co-Parent

<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">One of the most painful experiences a parent can endure is when a once-affectionate child suddenly becomes cold or hostile, rejecting you for no obvious reason. While it feels deeply personal, neuroscience suggests this behavior is often rooted in a massive biological construction project happening inside your teen’s head. For families navigating high-conflict separations, this biological shift can be misunderstood, leading to a total breakdown in the parent-child bond. <h3>The Neuroscience of the Split Brain</h3>Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute highlights that the teenage brain is a work in progress. Specifically, the brain undergoes a process called pruning, where unused neural connections are eliminated to make the brain more efficient. This happens from the back of the brain to the front, meaning the areas responsible for impulse control and complex logic are the very last to be "wired."There is a significant lag between the development of the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. The amygdala, which governs raw emotions and the fight-or-flight response, is fully active early on. The prefrontal cortex, which handles reasoning, empathy, and the ability to see multiple perspectives, does not fully mature until the mid-20s.&nbsp;Because these logical brakes are not yet functional, teens often rely on black-and-white thinking. In a high-stress environment like a parental separation, the teen’s brain may perceive the conflict as a threat to their survival. To manage this internal emotional stress, the brain may utilize a defense mechanism called splitting. They simplify their world by choosing one parent as "all good" and the other as "all bad." This is not a logical choice, but a biological shortcut to escape the overwhelming anxiety of being caught in the middle.<h3>The Role of Blame and the Favored Parent</h3>Rejection is often fueled by a target of blame dynamic. Because the teen’s brain is highly sensitive to the emotional states of their primary caregivers—a result of active mirror neurons—they may absorb the narrative of the parent they spend the most time with. If one parent is chronically angry or blaming the other for the family’s problems, the teen’s brain may adopt those feelings as a way to maintain a sense of safety and belonging in that home. This is not to say that what the unfavored parent has done or is doing is always appropriate. There usually are mistakes, but not enough to justify full estrangement.However, the favored parent has a powerful opportunity to change this trajectory. Research shows children are most resilient when both parents actively support the child’s relationship with the other.A favored parent can encourage parenting time by:<ul><li style="list-style-type: none;" data-mce-style="list-style-type: none;"><ul><li>Treating it like school as a non-negotiable routine rather than a choice.</li><li>Using positive messaging that validates the child’s feelings without agreeing with negative labels.</li><li>Maintaining closed-loop communication by sharing positive updates about the child with the other parent.</li></ul></li></ul><h3>How a Parenting Coordinator Manages the Process</h3><ul><li style="list-style-type: none;" data-mce-style="list-style-type: none;"><ul><li>When a child pulls away, a PC acts as a neutral process manager to ensure the child’s developmental needs are not lost in the conflict.</li><li>Selecting specialized therapists trained in resist-refuse dynamics.</li><li>Ensuring the favored parent actively encourages the process while the rejected parent practices de-escalation.</li><li>Making binding determinations on micro-conflicts like scheduling or house rules to take the teen out of the middle.</li><li>Coaching both parents to avoid defensive reactions or subtle gatekeeping.</li></ul></li></ul><span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Tailored Coaching for the Family System A PC uses specific techniques to help the family move from high-conflict to child-focused, such as:<ul><li style="list-style-type: none;" data-mce-style="list-style-type: none;"><ul><li>Coaching the Rejected Parent</li><li>Teaching the E.A.R. Method to respond with Empathy, Attention, and Respect;</li><li>Reducing pressure cooker interactions by stopping interrogations about the other home; and</li><li>Developing parallel parenting skills to disengage from provocations. </li></ul></li></ul><strong style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Coaching the Favored Parent <ul><li style="list-style-type: none;" data-mce-style="list-style-type: none;"><ul><li>Identifying subtle cues like sighs or sad faces that signal to the child that loving the other parent is disloyal.</li><li>Using permission to love scripts to tell the child it is okay to have a great time with the other parent.</li><li>Providing structural support to ensure the child is emotionally prepared for transitions.</li></ul></li></ul>Coaching the Child or Teen<ul><li style="list-style-type: none;" data-mce-style="list-style-type: none;"><ul><li>Normalizing the struggle by explaining that their brain is under pressure and it is okay to love both parents.</li><li>Giving the child a voice by coaching them on how to set healthy boundaries with their parents.</li><li>Reducing adultification by shielding the child from financial or legal stresses.</li></ul></li></ul><h3>&nbsp;The Goal: A Unified Family&nbsp;</h3>Through this multi-level coaching, the PC creates a unified map. When the child feels permitted by both sides to have a relationship with both, the biological urge to reject a parent often begins to fade as the brain begins to integrate more complex, nuanced thinking.The sibling dynamic is also a critical factor. Rejection vibrates through the entire family. One child may reject a parent while a sibling remains close, creating jealousy or resentment over the extra attention a rejected parent may shower on the favorite child. A PC monitors these side effects to ensure the family's healing is holistic.By remaining a consistent, non-reactive presence, you provide the secure base your teen needs as &nbsp;their brain finishes its development.Written by Cori McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 and a family law lawyer since 1998 in British Columbia. Read <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/child-contact--alienation-problems" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/child-contact--alienation-problems">Child Contact/ Alienation Problems</a>, <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;"><a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-anchor-parent--thriving-in-the-wake-of-a-narcissistic-co-parent" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-anchor-parent--thriving-in-the-wake-of-a-narcissistic-co-parent">Thriving in the Wake of a Narcissistic Co-Parent</a>, <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">and <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/when-children-refuse-parenting-time" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/when-children-refuse-parenting-time" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">When Children Refuse Parenting Time</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">. For further reading visit our extensive <a href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Resource Library</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">.<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.

Understanding the Teenage Brain and Unexplained Parent Rejection

Sad little child, blond boy, standing in the rain on cemetery, sad person, mourning, rainy day

<h2>Supporting Children Through Serious Illness and Loss</h2><h3>A Parenting Coordinator Perspective (General Insights Only)</h3>Navigating the serious illness and eventual death of a family member is profoundly difficult for families, and particularly complex when children are moving between two households. This document is offered from the perspective of a Parenting Coordinator to provide general, research‑informed insights that may assist co‑parents in supporting elementary school‑aged children during this time.Important caveat:These observations are not prescriptive, do not apply to all children, and are not determinations. Consistent with s.37 of the Family Law Act, every child’s best interests must be assessed individually, having regard to that child’s unique needs, developmental stage, neurodiversity, family context, and circumstances. What supports one child may not support another.<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The Role of the Parenting Coordinator As Parenting Coordinator (PC), my role is to assist parents in communicating effectively, resolving parenting disputes, and making child‑focused decisions within the scope of the appointing order or agreement. During periods of heightened emotional stress—such as the serious illness or loss of a grandparent—this role often includes:• Facilitating respectful, child‑focused communication between parents• Assisting parents to align messaging and routines across households• Identifying when professional supports may be beneficial• Helping parents distinguish between their own grief and their children’s needsThe PC does not replace counselling, medical, or therapeutic care, nor does the PC determine how grief “should” look. The goal is to support parents in maintaining stability, predictability, and emotional safety for their children, while recognizing that grief unfolds differently for every child. <h3>How Elementary‑Aged Children May Experience Grief</h3>(General Developmental Observations Only)Children approximately aged 5–10 are still developing an understanding of illness and death. Some children may:• Experience rapidly shifting emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, confusion, or guilt• Ask concrete or practical questions about illness, death, or their own safety• Show changes in sleep, appetite, mood, or behavior• Engage in “magical thinking,” believing their thoughts or actions caused the illness• Grieve in short, intermittent periods (“puddles of grief”), moving between sadness and playThese reactions are commonly observed, but not universal, and should never be used to assume how a particular child is feeling or coping.<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Neurodiversity and Grief: Additional Considerations (Not Diagnostic and Not Universal)Some children with ADHD or autism may experience or express grief differently. These observations are included to support understanding—not to label, predict, or pathologize.Children with ADHD may:• Have greater difficulty regulating emotions during periods of stress• Appear inattentive or disengaged when processing overwhelming information• Show increased impulsivity, restlessness, or frustration• Struggle with abstract concepts such as permanence or finalityChildren with Autism may:• Prefer clear, literal explanations over abstract language or euphemisms• Experience heightened sensory sensitivities during disruptions or emotional events• Express grief through behavioral changes rather than words• Be particularly affected by changes to routine and predictability• Form deep attachments that may not be outwardly expressedAgain, these are not rules. Many children with ADHD or autism will grieve in ways that do not fit these descriptions, and many neurotypical children may show similar patterns.<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Co‑Parenting Across Two Homes During Illness and Loss (Guiding Principles, Not Requirements)From a Parenting Coordinator perspective, children tend to benefit when parents strive for consistency, predictability, and coordinated communication, even while acknowledging that households may function differently.1. Communication Between Parents• Share key information about what the children are being told and how• Coordinate explanations to avoid conflicting or confusing messages• Follow any existing Communication Agreement when sharing observations• Exchange child‑focused observations rather than interpretations or blame2. Talking With Children About Illness and Death• Use clear, age‑appropriate language• Avoid euphemisms that may be confusing or frightening• Allow children to ask questions at their own pace• Reassure children about their own safety and health• Prepare children for changes they may see (medical equipment, fatigue, routine changes)What is “age‑appropriate” or “helpful” will vary by child and should be adjusted accordingly.<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Supporting Children Day‑to‑Day (Options, Not Expectations)Some children may benefit from:• Maintaining routines across both households where possible• Predictable transitions and advance notice of changes• Opportunities to express feelings through play, art, movement, or conversation• Access to quiet or sensory‑regulated spaces• Choice and autonomy (e.g., whether to attend a memorial, how to say goodbye)Participation in rituals, memorials, or goodbyes should never be forced and should always be considered in light of the child’s individual temperament and needs.<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Supporting Yourselves as Co‑Parents Parents’ grief matters. Children often take cues from how adults around them cope with loss. While parents may grieve differently, children generally benefit when parents:• Acknowledge emotions without overwhelming the child• Model help‑seeking and healthy coping• Avoid placing children in the role of emotional caretaker• Check in periodically about how the children are coping and adjust strategies as needed<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Professional and Community Supports Where children are already connected to professionals—such as counsellors or speech‑language pathologists—continued collaboration may be helpful. These professionals can offer individualized strategies tailored to the child’s specific developmental, emotional, and communication needs.<span style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: var(--head-fontFamily); font-size: calc(24px * var(--head-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--head-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Final Reminder There is no single “right” way for a child to grieve. This document reflects general Parenting Coordinator insights, not determinations, and must always be applied—if at all—through the lens of s.37 of the Family Law Act and the individual best interests of each child.<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Written by <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/">Cori L. McGuire</a>, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 and a <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">family law lawyer since 1998 in British Columbia. Cori has 28 years of experience with parenting children who are affected by ADHD and autism spectrum disorder. Read more about unique considerations on our <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/children-with-additional-needs" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/children-with-additional-needs">Children with Additional Needs</a> page, including <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/determining-smartphone-and-social-media-readiness" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/determining-smartphone-and-social-media-readiness">Smartphones and NeuroDiversity</a> and other reading in our extensive <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/resource-library">Resource Library</a>.<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. 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