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Proud child standing in space-themed bedroom holding smartphone showing achievement badge with genuine smile

<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">A father asked me what he should do when his co-parent repeatedly makes decisions without consulting him first. His examples included arranging guitar lessons and then asking him to contribute financially after the arrangements had already been made, placing their child on a waitlist for an extracurricular activity without discussion beforehand, and selecting a dentist without any prior consultation.&nbsp; He described frustration and anger that consultation never seemed to occur until after decisions had already been made. What troubled him most was not the guitar lessons, the dentist, or the registration itself. It was a recurring feeling of exclusion from important decisions concerning his children.&nbsp;Many separated parents will immediately recognize themselves in this story. The natural reaction is to focus on the specific event and conclude that the problem is obvious. Someone should have consulted. Someone should have provided notice. Someone should have communicated better. Yet the longer I work with separated families, the more convinced I become that the issue is rarely the issue.&nbsp;On the surface, most disputes look ordinary. Parents disagree about swimming lessons, tutors, camps, orthodontists, counsellors, sports registrations, school activities, and countless other aspects of children's lives. The details vary tremendously from family to family, but the underlying pattern remains remarkably consistent. The names change, the activity changes, and the circumstances change, but the emotional experience often sounds exactly the same.&nbsp;<h3>"Why wasn't I told?" Is An Emotional Question Under the Legal Question</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">At first glance, the answer appears straightforward. Under s. 40(2) of the Family Law Act, parents who share parental responsibilities are generally expected to consult one another before important decisions are made. From a legal perspective, the issue seems easy to identify. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">In practice, however, the legal issue is often only the visible portion of the dispute.&nbsp;When parents repeatedly ask, "Why wasn't I told?", they are often asking a much deeper question. Why didn't my involvement matter? Why am I learning about this after everyone else already knew? Why do important decisions keep moving forward without me? Why do I feel as though I am constantly reacting instead of participating? <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The legal problem may be consultation. The emotional problem is often exclusion.&nbsp;Parents sometimes assume that consultation exists because the law expects separated parents to agree with one another. I do not believe that agreement is the primary purpose. Consultation reflects the reality that children generally benefit when both parents remain informed, involved, and engaged in important aspects of their lives. Children do not require parents who think alike, parent identically, or agree about every decision. What children need are parents who remain meaningfully involved.&nbsp;When one parent repeatedly learns about decisions after they have already been made, connection gradually begins to erode. The parent feels less informed, less involved, and less important. Over time, the disagreement stops being about the activity itself and starts becoming about whether one parent still feels like a meaningful participant in their child's life.&nbsp;This is why seemingly minor disputes can become so emotionally charged. The swimming lesson is rarely about swimming. The tutor is rarely about tutoring. The camp registration is rarely about camp. The activity often becomes a symbol for a larger concern about involvement, relevance, and participation.&nbsp;<h3>There Is Very Little Learning During a Crisis</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">For many years, I assumed that consultation failures occurred because parents did not understand consultation. If people better understood the law, appreciated the impact on their children, and learned more effective communication strategies, surely the conflict would gradually improve. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Experience has made me less certain.&nbsp;Most parents already know they should consult. Most understand that unresolved conflict affects their children. Most are aware that involving the other parent before making important decisions will often prevent future disputes. Yet many continue repeating the same patterns.&nbsp;I do not think this happens because people are unintelligent, careless, or incapable of learning. I think it happens because there is very little learning during a crisis. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Parents rarely wake up in the morning and consciously decide that they are going to ignore their obligation to consult. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">What usually happens is far less deliberate. A registration deadline approaches. An appointment becomes available. A spot opens in a program. Someone worries that an opportunity will be lost. Someone anticipates an argument. Someone assumes the other parent will object. A decision gets made quickly and consultation is postponed until later.&nbsp;The problem is often not a lack of knowledge. The problem is the nervous system.&nbsp;I was reminded of this during the British Columbia wildfires when my home was evacuated. Even after the immediate danger had passed, my nervous system did not settle immediately. Intellectually, I knew I was safe. Physiologically, my body continued responding as though danger might still be present. I found myself watching for risk and anticipating problems long after the threat itself had disappeared.&nbsp;Separated parents often experience something similar. The relationship may be over, yet the nervous system does not always receive that message immediately. Fear of conflict, fear of loss, fear of exclusion, fear of irrelevance, fear of judgment, and fear of losing connection with a child can continue driving behaviour long after the original relationship has ended.&nbsp;The tragedy is that both parents are often suffering at the same time. Each sees their own fear more clearly than the fear of the other person. Each believes they are responding to a threat. Each reacts in ways that unintentionally create more distress for everyone involved, including the children. What develops is an expensive and emotionally exhausting win-lose game where both parents pay a significant price and children's emotional well-being often becomes collateral damage.&nbsp;<h3>The Real Work of Parenting Coordination</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">This understanding changed how I think about parenting coordination. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">I still believe education matters. Parents need information. They need to understand consultation, communication, implementation, and decision-making. What I no longer believe is that education alone produces lasting change.&nbsp;There is very little learning when people are operating from fear, panic, anger, or emotional survival. A nervous system focused on protection is not focused on growth. Repeating the rules over and over again may increase understanding, but understanding rarely changes behaviour by itself.&nbsp;People often do not change because they know more; they change because the system around them makes the desired behaviour easier, clearer, and more predictable. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">That insight sits at the centre of how I think about parenting coordination.&nbsp;<h3>Borrowing Structure Until Healing Happens</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">In many ways, Parenting Coordinators provide temporary structure while parents rebuild the ability to make decisions together. We are not healing every emotional injury. We are helping families function while healing gradually occurs.&nbsp; That structure can take many forms. It may involve proposal forms that require parents to identify the activity, costs, schedule, transportation requirements, deadlines, and anticipated commitments before registration occurs. It may involve consultation worksheets that ensure information is exchanged before decisions are made. It may involve communication protocols that encourage parents to address one issue at a time rather than reopening every disagreement from the past.&nbsp;Other forms of structure include implementation checklists, response deadlines, structured consultation processes within platforms such as Our Family Wizard, issue-specific proposal templates, and systems that shift discussions away from accusations and toward practical decision-making. These tools may appear simple, but simplicity is often their strength. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The objective is not bureaucracy. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The objective is predictability.&nbsp;A structured process helps carry part of the emotional load when people are struggling. A proposal form remembers information that a stressed brain may forget. A checklist slows down impulsive decisions. A consultation process creates a pause between reaction and action. Structure allows parents to follow a predictable path even when emotions remain high. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">In many cases, the structure is doing work that the relationship cannot yet do for itself.&nbsp;<h3>Stop Having the Same Fight Over and Over</h3><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">One reason I have become increasingly interested in these systems is that many parents are not actually having new disputes. They are having the same dispute repeatedly. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The swimming lesson becomes the tutor. The tutor becomes the camp. The camp becomes the orthodontist. The orthodontist becomes the school activity. The details change, but the pattern remains remarkably familiar.&nbsp;One parent acts first and consults later. The other parent feels excluded. Conflict follows. The issue is discussed, debated, resolved, and eventually forgotten. Months later, an entirely different decision recreates exactly the same dynamic.&nbsp;My goal is not simply to resolve today's disagreement. It is to help families stop having the same disagreement six months from now. Meaningful progress occurs when parents gradually replace reaction with process, crisis with predictability, and fear with structure.&nbsp;Which brings me back to the father's question. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">He thought he was asking about a guitar lesson, a waitlist, a dentist, and an extracurricular registration. In reality, he was asking a question that millions of separated parents have asked before him: <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">"Why wasn't I told?" <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The legal answer may be consultation. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The emotional answer may be exclusion. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">The practical answer, however, is often structure. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">When people are hurting, frightened, dysregulated, or overwhelmed, information alone rarely changes behaviour. Structure often does.<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">"Stop Having the Same Fight Over and Over. <span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Parenting Coordination for Parents Who Are Stuck."Written by Cori L. McGuire, family law mediator, arbitrator, collaborative family law lawyer and Parenting Coordinator with a family law practice in British Columbia since 1998.&nbsp;© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.↩ To return to the original webpage, use your browser's Back button or back arrow.

Why Wasn't I Told? When the Real Problem Isn't the Activity but the Consultation Process

Overhead flat-lay of baby travel essentials including stroller, car seat, diaper bag, and accessories on white linen

Children Need Safe Transitions, Not High-Conflict Exchanges

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One of the most common disputes in separated families is not where a child will live, what school they will attend, or how holidays will be shared. Instead, parents often find themselves arguing about extracurricular activities. One parent wants the child enrolled in an activity, while the other disagrees, proposes an alternative, or resists participation altogether. The question that frequently follows is simple: can one parent simply say no? Although parents often believe they are arguing about an activity, the deeper issue is frequently whether the adults can successfully support the child's participation across two households.&nbsp; After nearly 30 years of helping separated families navigate conflict, I have become increasingly convinced that extracurricular disputes are often about implementation rather than the activity itself. Activities simply provide the setting in which larger disagreements about communication, cooperation, scheduling, decision-making, and parenting priorities become visible. When parents focus exclusively on whether an activity should proceed, they can sometimes overlook the more significant challenge that is actually preventing resolution.&nbsp;<h3>Why Extracurricular Activities Create Conflict After Separation</h3>Children's activities are designed around children's lives, not parenting schedules. Practices, games, lessons, performances, and competitions often occur during both parents' parenting time and may require transportation, equipment, fees, and ongoing communication. For families who are able to cooperate reasonably well, these challenges are manageable and become part of ordinary parenting. The child participates, develops skills, and benefits from the experience while parents make the adjustments necessary to support the activity.&nbsp; Conflict often emerges when participation requires accommodations that one parent is unwilling or unable to make. A parent may object to the time commitment, the disruption to weekends, the transportation requirements, or the need for ongoing coordination between households. Although the disagreement may appear to be about the activity itself, the tension often arises because participation requires a level of cooperation that the adults are struggling to achieve. In these situations, the activity frequently becomes a symptom of a larger co-parenting problem.&nbsp;<h3>Can One Parent Simply Say No to an Activity?</h3>The answer depends on the circumstances. Every child, activity, and parenting arrangement is different. Some activities may be financially unrealistic, involve excessive travel, create unreasonable scheduling demands, or simply not be suitable for a particular child. In those situations, objections may have little to do with conflict and much more to do with practicality.&nbsp; At the same time, Parenting Coordinators frequently encounter situations where an activity appears entirely reasonable. The child is interested, the costs are manageable, and the logistics can be accommodated with appropriate planning. In those cases, resistance may stem less from concerns about the activity and more from concerns about implementation. When that happens, the real question is no longer whether the activity is appropriate. The question becomes whether a child's opportunity should be lost because the adults are unable to support participation across two households.&nbsp;<h3>A Trauma-Informed Perspective on Co-Parenting Challenges</h3>As a trauma-informed Parenting Coordinator, I think it is important to acknowledge that cooperation can be genuinely difficult for some parents. Family histories may include family violence, coercive control, financial abuse, repeated dishonesty, intimidation, betrayal, or years of difficult litigation. Some parents may have very understandable reasons for finding interaction with the other parent stressful, overwhelming, or emotionally triggering. Those experiences should not be dismissed when considering why cooperation has become challenging.&nbsp; Parenting coordination is not based on the assumption that separated parents must trust one another, repair their relationship, or become friends. In many cases, those expectations are neither realistic nor necessary. The more practical question is whether enough structure can be put in place to support child-focused decision-making despite the ongoing conflict between the adults. One of the most important lessons I have learned throughout my career is that structure does not require trust. A well-designed process can sometimes accomplish what goodwill alone cannot.&nbsp;<h3>Should Parents Just Ask the Child?</h3>Many parents view this as the obvious solution. Children's views are important and should be considered whenever appropriate. However, determining a child's wishes is often far more complicated than many adults appreciate, particularly when younger children are involved. Children naturally absorb information from the adults around them and often know which answers will please a parent, reduce tension, or avoid disappointment.&nbsp; When children have been exposed to ongoing parental conflict, it can become difficult to separate their independent views from the family environment surrounding them. Some children feel pressure to choose sides. Others attempt to tell each parent what they believe that parent wants to hear. As Parenting Coordinators gain experience, many become increasingly cautious about placing children in the position of resolving disputes that adults are struggling to resolve themselves. Children's voices matter, but children should not become the decision-makers in adult disagreements.&nbsp;<h3>How Adult Conflict Affects Children's Activities</h3>Another recurring problem arises when parental conflict begins to spill into the child's activities. Coaches, teachers, instructors, and activity organizers sometimes become unwilling participants in family disputes. Parents may explain their grievances, justify their positions, or seek support from people who are simply trying to help children participate and succeed. While these actions are often driven by frustration, they rarely improve the situation for the child.&nbsp; Children attend activities to learn, develop confidence, build friendships, and enjoy themselves. They should not feel responsible for navigating competing parental narratives. Most parents underestimate how visible these disputes become to the people around their child. Teachers notice. Coaches notice. Other parents notice. Most importantly, children notice. The result can be embarrassment, divided loyalties, and unnecessary stress in an environment that should otherwise be positive and supportive.&nbsp;<h3>How Parenting Coordinators Approach Extracurricular Disputes</h3>Many people assume that a Parenting Coordinator's role is simply to determine which parent is right. In practice, the process usually begins by helping parents exchange information, identify concerns, and explore possible solutions. Agreements reached voluntarily are often preferable because parents are generally more likely to support outcomes they helped create. Consultation and collaborative problem-solving therefore play an important role in parenting coordination.&nbsp; However, consultation is not an end in itself. The purpose of consultation is implementation. One of the most important lessons in parenting coordination is that agreement and implementation are not the same thing. Parents can spend months discussing an issue and still fail to move the child forward. If the child never gets registered, never attends, or repeatedly loses opportunities because the adults remain stuck in conflict, the process has not achieved its purpose.&nbsp;Children continue growing while adults continue arguing. Registration deadlines pass, teams fill, programs begin, and opportunities disappear. For that reason, Parenting Coordinators must continually assess whether further discussion is likely to produce a workable outcome. If additional consultation is likely to help, it may be worthwhile. If not, a determination may be a more proportionate and child-focused response where the Parenting Coordinator has authority to address the issue under the applicable order or agreement.&nbsp;<h3>The Goal Is Not Winning the Activity Dispute</h3>After years of working with separated families, I have become convinced that extracurricular conflicts often reveal something much larger than disagreement about a particular activity. The activity changes from family to family, but the underlying challenge is often remarkably similar. The issue is not necessarily the activity itself. The issue is whether the adults presently have the capacity to support and implement the child's participation across two households.&nbsp; When that is the real issue, focusing exclusively on which activity should proceed can cause everyone to miss the more important question. The goal is not deciding which parent wins. The goal is ensuring that children can continue participating in the ordinary opportunities of childhood despite the challenges created by separation and conflict.&nbsp;Written by Cori L. McGuire, family law mediator, arbitrator, collaborative family law lawyer and Parenting Coordinator with a family law practice in British Columbia since 1998.&nbsp;© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.↩ To return to the original webpage, use your browser's Back button or back arrow.

Can One Parent Veto a Child's Extracurricular Activity?

<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Seek not so much to be understood as to understand.<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal);" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">&nbsp;— Prayer of St. Francis&nbsp;There are certain words that become lifelong companions. Some people find them in literature, some in philosophy, and others in sacred texts. For me, the Prayer of St. Francis has occupied that place for as long as I can remember. I first encountered it as a young teenager and, even then, I found it profoundly moving. It spoke to something I could not yet fully articulate. Decades later, its significance has only deepened. It has accompanied me through difficult chapters of my personal life, periods of professional growth, experiences of disappointment and loss, and countless encounters with families struggling to find their way through conflict.&nbsp;What strikes me now is not simply the beauty of the prayer but the psychological wisdom embedded within it. As I have grown older, I have come to appreciate that many of the difficulties people experience in relationships arise from a struggle against things that cannot ultimately be controlled. We want other people to understand us. We want them to acknowledge our hurt. We want fairness, accountability, validation, and sometimes even vindication. We want painful experiences to make sense and disappointing outcomes to be corrected. We want the past to become something different than it was.&nbsp;Yet life rarely cooperates in that way.&nbsp;Much of my professional life has involved working with people who are navigating conflict. During the course of a legal career and many years assisting separated families, I have watched intelligent, caring, and well-intentioned people become trapped in disputes that consume enormous amounts of energy, money, and emotional resources. Often the visible disagreement concerns a parenting schedule, an extracurricular activity, a holiday arrangement, a school decision, or some other practical issue requiring resolution. Over time, however, I came to understand that the visible issue is frequently not the true source of the conflict. The disagreement itself often reflects something much deeper: unresolved hurt, mistrust, grief, fear, betrayal, disappointment, or a profound sense of injustice.&nbsp;The longer I worked in this field, the more interested I became in understanding the human dimensions of conflict rather than simply the legal dimensions. Developments in neuroscience helped explain much of what I had observed throughout my career. Human beings are not purely rational decision-makers. When people are frightened, wounded, rejected, betrayed, or overwhelmed, they often operate from a place of protection rather than collaboration. Their nervous systems are attempting to keep them safe. In such circumstances, expecting people to suddenly become calm, objective, and cooperative because a lawyer, counsellor, judge, or Parenting Coordinator encourages them to do so is frequently unrealistic.&nbsp;That realization fundamentally changed the way I approached my work. Earlier in my career, I often believed that conflict could be resolved if people simply communicated more effectively. While improved communication can certainly help, experience taught me that communication alone is rarely enough. Eventually, I came to understand that my role was not to change people. My role was to create enough structure around the conflict that families could continue moving forward despite it. Sometimes that structure helps relationships improve. Sometimes it creates opportunities for healing and understanding. Sometimes it restores trust that had been lost. When that happens, everyone benefits.&nbsp;When it does not happen, however, the structure still serves an important purpose. Children continue growing. Schools continue operating. Activities continue occurring. Life continues moving forward whether emotional resolution has been achieved or not. Families require a process that allows necessary decisions to be made and existing arrangements to be implemented even when emotions remain unresolved. Progress cannot always wait for healing.&nbsp;It is here that the Prayer of St. Francis continues to resonate with me. The prayer does not deny suffering. Nor does it suggest that conflict, disappointment, or injustice are unimportant. Instead, it quietly redirects our attention toward something more productive. It asks us to focus less on controlling others and more on understanding our own responsibilities. It encourages us to bring understanding rather than demand it, to bring clarity rather than confusion, and to bring peace rather than contribute to discord. Whether interpreted spiritually, philosophically, or psychologically, it reflects a profound recognition of the limits of human control.&nbsp;That lesson extends beyond professional life. Like many people, there have been experiences in my own life that did not unfold the way I hoped they would. There have been periods marked by hurt, disappointment, misunderstanding, and profound uncertainty. Looking back, I can see how much energy can be consumed by attempting to reconcile the past, obtain understanding from those unwilling to provide it, or persuade others to see events as we see them. Eventually, a different realization emerges. Peace rarely comes from winning an argument with the past. More often, it comes from deciding how we will move forward despite what remains unresolved.&nbsp;As I have grown older, I have become increasingly convinced that there is freedom in understanding where our responsibilities begin and where they end. We cannot force understanding. We cannot compel empathy. We cannot guarantee fairness. We cannot control the choices other people make. What we can do is decide how we will respond. We can choose integrity over bitterness, structure over chaos, compassion over hostility, and progress over paralysis. We can help create conditions in which people and families have the opportunity to move forward even when life remains imperfect.&nbsp;Perhaps that is ultimately why the Prayer of St. Francis has remained with me for so many years. It reminds me that wisdom does not lie in controlling every outcome, nor does peace arise from ensuring that every wrong is made right. Instead, both wisdom and peace emerge from recognizing what is within our influence, accepting what is not, and continuing to move forward with purpose, compassion, and humility.&nbsp;The older I become, the more I believe that this lesson applies not only to family conflict but to life itself.&nbsp;Cori McGuire, Family Law Lawyer, Parenting Coordinator, Mediator, Arbitrator, Collaborative Family Law Lawyer &amp; Child Interviewer&nbsp;

The Prayer of St. Francis and the Limits of Control

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How Parenting Coordination Works in My Practice: Implementation, Proportionality, and Process Management

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<figure id="figure-ltco50npboms9ronyu"><iframe id="ltco50npboms9ronyu" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/fUhwoXvygvY" class="w-full bg-gray-100 rounded-sm md:rounded-md lg:rounded-lg" style="aspect-ratio: 16/9" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share" referrerpolicy="strict-origin-when-cross-origin" allowfullscreen data-url="https://youtu.be/fUhwoXvygvY" data-corners="default" data-fullWidth="false"></iframe></figure><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;" data-mce-style="font-family: inherit; font-size: calc(16px * var(--body-fontSize, 1)); font-style: var(--body-fontStyle, normal); -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">If you are involved in Parenting Coordination, there is a good chance you have already been through a great deal. Many parents arrive in Parenting Coordination after years of conflict, litigation, counselling, mediation, negotiations, assessments, and disappointment. They are often exhausted, feel unheard and overwhelmed. Some have lost trust in professionals or institutions and many are worried that important concerns about their children will be overlooked. When parents arrive carrying that history, it is understandable that they want the Parenting Coordinator to fully understand what they have been through and they want to provide context. It is understandable that they may feel frustrated when communication is limited, issues are narrowed, or decisions do not go their way. The structure used in Parenting Coordination is not designed to dismiss those experiences. It is designed to help families move forward despite them.<h3>This Is Not About Bad Parents</h3>One of the greatest misconceptions about high-conflict separation is that the parents involved do not care about their children. In my experience, the opposite is true; many parents who become stuck in conflict care deeply about their children and think about their children's well-being constantly. They spend years trying to protect them, advocate for them, and ensure that important concerns are not overlooked.The difficulty is that prolonged conflict can change how people experience conflict itself. Strategies that were once protective can become obstacles to implementation. A parent who learned to watch for risk may struggle to tolerate uncertainty. A parent who spent years trying to be heard may find it difficult to accept procedural limits. A parent who experienced genuine failures by others may become reluctant to trust future professionals.These reactions are understandable. The challenge is not that the parent cares too much. The challenge is that the very strategies that once served an important purpose can later make resolution more difficult.<h3>When Conflict Changes How People Experience Conflict</h3>One of the most important lessons I have learned from working with high-conflict families is that prolonged conflict changes people. Parents who have spent years dealing with uncertainty, litigation, broken agreements, disappointments, or concerns about their children often become highly sensitive to perceived risks. They may find it difficult to trust professionals, difficult to accept incomplete information, and difficult to let issues go unresolved.Many parents feel compelled to provide extensive background information because they fear something important will be overlooked. Others feel a strong need to revisit historical events because they believe those events explain why the current issue matters so much. These reactions are not signs of weakness, irrationality, or bad parenting. In many cases, they are understandable responses to difficult experiences.A parent who has repeatedly felt unheard may become determined to explain every detail. A parent who believes previous professionals missed important information may become reluctant to accept limits on submissions. A parent who has experienced genuine dangers in the past may find it difficult to separate current disagreements from historical threats.The challenge is that these same protective strategies can make implementation extraordinarily difficult. The more information that is submitted, the more issues become intertwined. The more issues become intertwined, the harder it becomes to resolve any single issue. Over time, the process can become overwhelmed by the history of the conflict rather than focused on the implementation problem that actually requires resolution.<h3>The Difference Between Being Heard and Being Agreed With</h3>Many parents come into the process hoping that if they can finally explain the situation clearly enough, the professional will see things exactly as they do. That hope is understandable. Most people feel relief when they believe they have finally been understood. The difficulty is that understanding and agreement are not the same thing.A Parenting Coordinator may fully understand why a parent feels concerned, angry, disappointed, or afraid. The Parenting Coordinator may understand exactly why the parent reached a particular conclusion. Yet after reviewing the available information, the existing parenting arrangements, and the limits of the Parenting Coordinator's authority, the Parenting Coordinator may still reach a different conclusion.That does not necessarily mean the parent was ignored. It means the Parenting Coordinator's responsibility is to make a fair decision, not simply to adopt the view of the parent who feels most strongly. A parent can be carefully listened to, taken seriously, and treated respectfully while still receiving an outcome they dislike. Understanding a parent's concerns and agreeing with those concerns are different professional tasks.<h3>Why More Communication Is Not Always Better</h3>Many parents enter the process believing that conflict will improve if everyone simply communicates more. Unfortunately, high-conflict families often discover the opposite.In some situations, more communication creates more opportunities for misunderstanding. It creates more opportunities for accusations, more opportunities for revisiting old grievances, and more opportunities for conflict to expand into unrelated areas. What begins as a disagreement about a school issue can quickly become a debate about years of history.For this reason, Parenting Coordinators frequently use structured communication processes. There may be limits on the length of submissions. There may be requirements that issues be addressed one at a time. There may be restrictions on introducing unrelated historical matters into current disputes. There may be timelines that bring issues to a conclusion rather than allowing them to continue indefinitely.These measures are not designed to silence parents. They are designed to ensure that important issues can actually be resolved. Without structure, many high-conflict disputes become trapped in endless cycles of explanation, rebuttal, clarification, and further explanation. Children remain stuck while the adults continue arguing about the same issues from different angles.Structure exists to help families move forward.<h3>The Work You Do Not See</h3>Many parents see the recommendation, the determination, or the email they receive from the Parenting Coordinator. What they do not see is the work required to keep the process functioning. Every communication must be reviewed. Issues must be separated from one another. Relevant information must be distinguished from irrelevant information. Jurisdiction must be considered. Procedures must be applied consistently to both parents. Decisions must be explained. The Parenting Coordinator must continually assess how to keep the process focused on implementation rather than allowing it to become overwhelmed by years of unresolved conflict.Most of this work is invisible. Yet it is often the work that makes resolution possible. Parents are not simply paying for recommendations or determinations. They are paying for the design, maintenance, and oversight of a system intended to function when the family can no longer reliably manage conflict on its own.<h3>Why Some Parents Become Frustrated With the Process</h3>Parents often experience structure differently depending on their history. A parent who feels overwhelmed by conflict may welcome clear boundaries. Another parent may experience the same boundaries as restrictive because they fear important information will not be considered. Understanding these different reactions is one reason process design is such an important part of Parenting Coordination.A parent who has spent years trying to ensure that concerns are taken seriously may experience a word limit as restrictive. A parent who has spent years collecting evidence may find it difficult to accept that some information is not relevant to the current issue. A parent who has spent years seeking validation may experience an adverse decision as proof that the professional has not understood them.These reactions are understandable. They do not necessarily indicate bad faith, nor do they mean that the parent is incapable of participating constructively. They often reflect the reality that the parent has invested enormous emotional energy in the issues before them.At the same time, Parenting Coordination cannot function if every issue remains permanently open for discussion. The process requires closure. Issues must eventually be narrowed, analyzed, and resolved. Without that discipline, the process risks becoming another forum for ongoing conflict rather than a mechanism for implementation.<h3>A Trauma-Informed Process Is Not a Side-Taking Process</h3>Trauma-informed practice is sometimes misunderstood. It does not mean that a professional automatically agrees with a parent's position. It does not mean every concern is accepted without question. Nor does it mean the process becomes open-ended.A trauma-informed approach recognizes that people bring their life experiences into the dispute-resolution process. Some parents have experienced years of uncertainty, conflict, betrayal, family violence, or disappointment. Those experiences can affect how people experience authority, fairness, and decision-making.A trauma-informed Parenting Coordinator understands that trust may be limited. The Parenting Coordinator recognizes that some parents arrive carrying significant emotional burdens. However, being trauma-informed does not eliminate neutrality. The Parenting Coordinator's role is not to decide whose emotional experience is more compelling. The role is to create a process that remains fair, transparent, predictable, and focused on the children even when trust is limited.A trauma-informed process acknowledges human experience without abandoning professional neutrality.<h3>Professionals Are Not Immune From Error</h3>Parents are correct about one thing: professionals sometimes make mistakes. Lawyers make mistakes. Judges make mistakes. Assessors make mistakes. Parenting Coordinators make mistakes. A trauma-informed process does not assume that professionals are always right. Instead, it seeks to create transparency, fairness, and accountability so that decisions can be understood, questioned appropriately, and evaluated on their merits.The purpose of structure is not blind obedience. The purpose of structure is to create a fair process capable of functioning despite disagreement.<h3>Structure Is Not the Opposite of Compassion</h3>Many parents initially experience structure as restrictive. In reality, effective structure is often one of the most compassionate parts of the process.When conflict has continued for years, structure creates predictability. When communication has broken down, structure creates a way forward. When trust has been damaged, structure creates fairness. When emotions run high, structure helps keep the focus on the children.Parenting Coordination cannot erase the past. It cannot heal every hurt, correct every injustice, or resolve every disagreement about what happened before. What it can do is help families implement workable arrangements today.That is why Parenting Coordination uses communication protocols, issue management, deadlines, and decision-making processes. The purpose is not to limit parents. The purpose is to create a process capable of functioning when family conflict has made progress difficult. The structure is not there because parents have failed. The structure is there because children need a path forward.For other recent articles about the process in high conflict disputes, read <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-issue-is-not-the-issue--why-high-conflict-parenting-disputes-persist" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/the-issue-is-not-the-issue--why-high-conflict-parenting-disputes-persist">The Issue Is Not the Issue: Why High-Conflict Parenting Disputes Persist</a> and <a data-mce-href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/high-conflict-parents-are-often-stuck-in-a-story--11-advanced-containment-strategies-for-parenting-coordinators" href="https://kelownalawyer.com/blog/high-conflict-parents-are-often-stuck-in-a-story--11-advanced-containment-strategies-for-parenting-coordinators">High-Conflict Parents Are Often Stuck in a Story: 11 Advanced Containment Strategies for Parenting Coordinators</a>. Our free educational resource, <a data-mce-href="https://parentingcoordinatorbc.online/resource-library" href="https://parentingcoordinatorbc.online/resource-library">Parenting Coordinator BC</a>, summarizes our process articles. Written by Cori L. McGuire, family law mediator, arbitrator, collaborative family law lawyer and Parenting Coordinator with a family law practice in British Columbia since 1998.&nbsp;© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.↩ To return to the original webpage, use your browser's Back button or back arrow.

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