Why Secret Activities are Co-Parenting Poison

Mar 04, 2026·By Cori McGuire

My previous blogs have focused on Extracurriculars, Essential Activities, and Attendance Refusals. A related issue arises when activities themselves become a source of conflict between parents — particularly when information about those activities is withheld or selectively shared.

When one parent registers a child for an activity without informing the other, or presents incomplete or inaccurate information about the child’s level or progress, the impact often extends beyond scheduling. These situations can place children in difficult emotional positions that they did not choose and cannot resolve.

The Impact of “Secret” Activities on Children

Children benefit from stability, transparency, and the freedom to share their experiences with the important adults in their lives. When a child is told, explicitly or implicitly, not to mention an activity to the other parent, the child may experience tension between enjoyment and loyalty.

Rather than feeling free to celebrate progress, the child may feel responsible for managing adult relationships. Over time, carrying secrets or filtering information can create anxiety, confusion about boundaries, and discomfort about success itself. The issue is not the activity, but the pressure placed on the child to manage adult dynamics.

Activities and Developmental Mismatch

Concerns can also arise when a child is enrolled in an activity at a level that does not reflect their abilities or experience. While there may be many explanations for this — including misunderstanding program structures or attempts to reduce pressure — children can experience frustration or disengagement when activities do not match their developmental stage.

When these decisions occur without transparency or shared understanding, they can contribute to parental conflict and place the child in the middle of competing narratives about their abilities and progress.

Consultation and Information‑Sharing Under BC Law

In British Columbia, parents who share parental responsibilities are generally required under s.40(2) of the Family Law Act to consult with one another on significant decisions affecting the child, which commonly includes ongoing extracurricular involvement.

Consultation is not about securing agreement in every instance. It is about timely information‑sharing, good‑faith discussion, and avoiding unilateral decisions that predictably lead to conflict or implementation problems.

When consultation breaks down, patterns can emerge that are difficult for children. Research on high‑conflict parenting consistently shows that children are most negatively affected not by separation itself, but by being drawn into adult disputes or placed in loyalty conflicts.

Recognizing the “Secret Activities” Pattern

Many parents do not set out to create secrecy. However, problems often arise when:

• one parent learns about an activity after it has already begun

• information is shared selectively or defensively

• a child realizes that one parent is consistently absent from events or milestones

These moments can leave children feeling that their lives are divided rather than shared, and that success must be carefully managed rather than openly celebrated.

Moving Toward Transparency and Predictability

Shifting away from conflict‑driven dynamics often begins with small, practical steps. Parents frequently find it helpful to:

• reflect honestly on whether withholding information serves the child or escalates conflict

• use neutral communication tools, such as shared parenting platforms, to exchange information without unnecessary engagement

• provide timely notice of registrations or schedule changes

• ensure that activity placement reflects the child’s abilities and comfort, rather than adult conflict or convenience

These steps are not about perfection; they are about reducing predictable stressors for children.

Parenting Coordination and These Issues

Where Parenting Coordination has been ordered or agreed, its role is limited to assisting parents in implementing existing agreements or court orders and managing their interaction to reduce conflict. Parenting Coordinators do not assess motivation, determine fault, or regulate extracurricular choices beyond what is required to implement the existing framework.

Where authorized, a Parenting Coordinator may assist with structuring consultation, clarifying how existing terms apply to activities, or resolving narrow implementation disputes. Parenting Coordination does not replace parenting education, therapeutic support, or court intervention where broader issues arise.

Closing Reflection

Children should not feel responsible for managing adult relationships in order to enjoy their own lives. Activities are meant to support development, confidence, and connection — not to become arenas for conflict or secrecy.

Transparency, predictability, and restraint from involving children in adult dynamics go a long way toward protecting them from unnecessary stress.

This article discusses general considerations only and may be updated over time. It is not Parenting Coordination advice in a specific case, does not determine the best interests of any particular child, and does not expand the authority of a Parenting Coordinator beyond the terms of an applicable court order or family law agreement.

Written by Cori McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 and family law lawyer since 1998 in British Columbia. For further reading about extracurricular activities, follow the two links at the beginning of this article and for our full list of articles, click on our Resource Library.