When the Helpers Hurt: Forgiving the Professionals in Your Co-Parenting Journey

Aug 27, 2025·By Cori McGuire

Family separation is one of the most emotionally demanding experiences a parent can endure. When conflict persists, families are often supported by judges, psychologists, parenting coordinators, and other professionals whose role is to bring structure, neutrality, and stability to an otherwise overwhelming situation.

Ideally, these professionals feel like a steady hand in the storm. But sometimes, they don’t.

When the System Itself Feels Like the Injury

In my work, I meet parents who carry not only anger toward their co‑parent, but deep resentment toward the system meant to help them:

• a judge whose decision felt profoundly unfair,

• a psychologist whose assessment didn’t reflect their lived experience,

• or a parenting coordinator whose determination felt harmful or punitive.

These feelings are real. They often arise from grief, loss of control, and a sense of being unseen during one of the most vulnerable periods of a parent’s life.

And they matter.

At the same time, unresolved resentment toward professionals can quietly keep parents stuck — replaying decisions, drafting complaints, and reliving perceived injustice — long after the moment itself has passed.

Understanding the Role (and Limits) of a Parenting Coordinator in BC

Part of reducing this harm is clarity. In British Columbia, a Parenting Coordinator (PC):

• does not act as a therapist, advocate, or ally for either parent;

• does not replace the court or override the parenting plan;

• does not decide issues outside the scope of authority granted by the court order or parenting coordination agreement.

A PC’s authority is limited and defined. Within that defined scope, a PC may:

help parents communicate more effectively,
manage implementation of parenting plans, and
where authorized, make binding determinations on specific day‑to‑day issues when parents cannot agree.

These determinations are not judgments about who is “right” or “wrong” as a person. They are procedural decisions made to prevent children from remaining stuck in adult conflict.

That distinction matters — even when the outcome feels painful.

Why Decisions Can Feel So Personal

When a PC makes a determination that goes against a parent’s position, the emotional impact can be intense. For some parents, it activates:

• unresolved trauma,

• past experiences of powerlessness,

• neurodivergent processing challenges,

• personality vulnerabilities, or

• deep grief over the family they hoped to have.

This is especially true when parents are overwhelmed by written material, procedural language, or a volume of resources that feels impossible to digest.

None of this makes a parent “bad.” But it does mean that self‑regulation — not persuasion — becomes the most important work.

You Are Not Powerless: Constructive Ways to Address Concerns

If you are in BC and have concerns about your Parenting Coordinator’s conduct or process, there are appropriate, structured options:

1. Speak directly with your PC

Many misunderstandings resolve through calm, focused communication.

2. Make a service complaint

Parenting coordinators likely all have a complaint processes. These are non‑adversarial and cost‑free.

3. Use the BC Parenting Coordination Roster consensual dispute resolution process by emailing the Administrator

This consensual process involves a simple form seeking a neutral facilitator and is designed to resolve concerns without court escalation.

These pathways are far more effective — and far less emotionally costly — than remaining stuck in silent resentment or adversarial complaint cycles.

The Deeper Work: Grief, Forgiveness, and Self‑Regulation

There is also a deeper truth that no professional process can resolve for you.

Some injuries are emotional, not procedural.

Forgiveness — of a co‑parent, a judge, a psychologist, or a parenting coordinator — does not mean agreeing with the decision or denying harm. It means choosing not to let that decision define your future.

For many parents, this work happens through:

• counselling or trauma‑informed therapy,

• mindfulness or meditation practices,

• spiritual or reflective traditions,

• learning nervous‑system regulation skills.

Self‑regulation is not a soft concept. It is the cornerstone of peaceful co‑parenting and the single most protective factor for children exposed to conflict.

Moving Forward

Parenting coordination works best when conflict stays between adults and children are spared the emotional burden.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, angry, or stuck, that is not a failure. It is a signal — not that you need to fight harder, but that you may need support beyond the legal process.

Your life — and your child’s — is larger than any single decision.

If you are in British Columbia and have concerns about your Parenting Coordinator, speak with your PC or contact the BC Parenting Coordination Roster to learn about service complaint and dispute resolution options.

Written by Cori McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 28 and a family law lawyer since 1998 in British Columbia. For more articles of this type read How PC Helps You Move Forward. Further articles can be found in our extensive Resource Library.