When Children Refuse Parenting Time

Supporting Young Children Through Parenting Time

(Implementation‑Focused Guidance for Parents)

As parents, you share a common goal: to raise a child who is emotionally resilient, secure, and capable of forming healthy, lasting relationships. After separation, children often experience strong emotions about transitions and parenting time. While these feelings are real and important, young children are not developmentally equipped to make decisions about family structure or parenting arrangements.

This article offers general educational guidance to help parents understand why young children benefit from predictable structure and parental decision‑making, and how supporting relationships with both parents—where safety is not an issue and as contemplated by court orders or agreements—can promote a child’s long‑term well‑being.

This material is not an assessment of any individual child or family, does not replace professional advice, and does not create obligations beyond those already set out in a court order or parenting agreement.

Young Children and Decision‑Making Capacity

Children under approximately age 10 are still developing:

• emotional regulation,
• impulse control,
• perspective‑taking, and
• the ability to understand long‑term consequences.

While young children can express feelings such as fear, discomfort, or anxiety, they rely on parents to interpret those feelings within an adult framework and to provide reassurance, consistency, and guidance.

Young children also tend to think concretely and in the moment. They are not able to evaluate long‑term relational needs or weigh temporary discomfort against developmental benefits. For this reason, parenting arrangements are ordinarily adult decisions, not child‑led choices.

Children are also highly sensitive to parental emotions. Even without explicit comments, they may absorb a parent’s stress, ambivalence, or discomfort and express it as their own. This does not mean the child is being dishonest; it means they are responding to their emotional environment.

Why Children Should Not Be Asked to Decide Parenting Time

When young children are placed in the position of deciding whether to attend parenting time (for example, “Do you want to go to Mom’s/Dad’s?”), several unintended consequences can arise:

• The child may feel responsible for adult outcomes.
• They may experience loyalty conflicts, guilt, or anxiety.
• They may learn to avoid situations that feel uncomfortable rather than learning how to manage discomfort with support.
• They may feel pressure to align with one parent over the other.
  

Although this may appear to give a child “control,” it actually places an inappropriate emotional burden on them. Children benefit most when parents provide calm, predictable structure while also acknowledging the child’s feelings.

Responding to Statements Like “I Don’t Feel Safe”

Any expression of fear or lack of safety by a child should always be taken seriously. If there are genuine or unresolved safety concerns, those must be addressed through appropriate legal, child‑protection, or professional channels. Parenting coordinators do not investigate or determine child safety.

In situations where no objective safety concerns have been identified, young children may use the language of “unsafe” to describe:

• anxiety about transitions,
• separation distress,
• unfamiliar routines, or
• emotional tension between parents.

In those circumstances, it is important for parents to respond with reassurance and support rather than allowing the child to opt out of scheduled parenting time in the absence of identified safety concerns. Parenting time decisions affect a child’s core relationships and are not equivalent to everyday choices.

The Importance of Consistent Relationships With Both Parents

A substantial body of research suggests that, where both parents are safe and involved, children generally benefit from maintaining meaningful relationships with each parent. These benefits include:

• emotional security,
• broader sources of support,
• improved emotional regulation, and
• the development of resilience through adapting to different environments.
  

Children learn relational skills by experience. When parents support a child’s relationship with the other parent, even when it is difficult, they model problem‑solving, tolerance for discomfort, and relationship repair—skills children carry into adolescence and adulthood.

Practical Parenting Strategies

1. Provide Parent‑Led Structure

Where consultation is required by an order or agreement, implementation includes engaging in that consultation while maintaining adult responsibility for final implementation. Parents—not children—are responsible for implementing parenting schedules set out in agreements or court orders. Clear, calm communication helps reduce anxiety:

“Mom and Dad have decided it’s time for your visit. We know transitions can feel hard, and we’re here to help you.”

Consistency and predictability support emotional regulation.

2. Validate Feelings Without Transferring Responsibility

• Acknowledge emotions: “I hear that you’re feeling nervous.”

Reassure without reinforcing negative narratives: “It’s okay to feel nervous. You are safe, and the other parent loves you.”

Validation does not require agreement with a child’s interpretation of events.

3. Actively Support the Other Parent Relationship

• • Speak neutrally or positively about the other parent.
  • Facilitate smooth transitions.
  • Avoid excessive checking‑in or questioning after visits.
  • Allow the child space to form their own relationship.
    

4. Manage Adult Emotions Separately

Children benefit when parents manage their own stress, frustration, or conflict outside the child’s presence. Seeking adult support—counselling, co‑parent education, or professional guidance—can help prevent emotional spillover onto the child.

The Role of Professional Support

A parenting coordinator, where appointed, assists parents with implementing existing parenting orders or agreements and resolving day‑to‑day parenting issues within the scope of that authority. Parenting coordinators do not investigate safety concerns, provide therapy, or create new parenting objectives unless expressly authorized by the order or agreement.

Therapists and counsellors may assist children or parents with emotional adjustment and coping skills, each within their own professional role.

Supporting Your Child’s Long‑Term Well‑Being

When parents provide structure, reassurance, and support for important relationships, children learn that:

• • feelings can be managed with support,
  • relationships can continue through difficulty,
    and
  • adults are responsible for keeping children emotionally safe.
    

These lessons help children develop resilience, security, and the capacity for enduring relationships later in life.

Written by Cori McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator since 2008 and a family law lawyer in British Columbia since 1998. Read Child Contact Problems,  Drama Triangles , The Anchor Parent, and Resistance to Attendance.  For further reading visit our extensive Resource Library.

© 2026 Cori McGuire. All Rights Reserved. Proprietary Workflow.