When "Child's Choice" Becomes a Child's Burden: Understanding Loyalty Conflicts in High-Conflict Co-Parenting

As a PC, another one of the most heartbreaking patterns I witness is when parenting agreements inadvertently place children in an impossible position. This often manifests as a "loyalty conflict," a subtle yet profoundly damaging dynamic for a child caught between two parents.

While decades of research from pioneers like Dr. Joan Kelly, and numerous other child development experts, consistently show that children thrive with two involved parents (absent serious abuse), this doesn't mean parents need to be perfect. What children need is to be shielded from their parents' conflict. Unfortunately, some common parenting orders are misused to cause the opposite effect on the child.

What is a Loyalty Conflict?

A loyalty conflict occurs when a child feels pressured, directly or indirectly, to choose one parent over the other, to take sides, or to keep secrets to protect or please a parent. It forces a child to compromise their own needs and feelings to maintain peace or perceived approval from a parent. Imagine a child’s heart as a bridge connecting them to both parents. In a loyalty conflict, that bridge is under strain, sometimes even feeling like it's collapsing.

The Harm of "Child-Initiated Contact" Orders

One of the most frequent examples of an order or agreement inadvertently contributing to a loyalty conflict are ones directing that, "The child shall call the other parent."

While this might sound like it promotes the child's autonomy and relationship with the other parent, in high-conflict situations, it is often devastating for the following reasons:

• The Child becomes the messenger/referee. The child is burdened with managing the adult relationship. If they don't call, they fear disappointing the absent parent. If they do call, they may feel guilty or disloyal to the parent they are currently with.
• Parents might subtly (or overtly) track if the child calls, making comments like, "Did you call Dad today?" or "Mom was hoping you'd call." This weaponizes the child's natural desire to connect and turns it into a test of loyalty.
• Children need to feel unconditionally loved and safe in both homes. When forced to initiate contact, their downtime becomes another source of anxiety. They lose the ability to simply be a child.
• A child's reluctance to call can be misinterpreted and weaponized. No call might be due to a genuine loyalty conflict, not a lack of desire to speak to the other parent. It can be misinterpreted as rejection, further straining relationships.
  

Other Examples of Loyalty Conflicts in High-Conflict Cases include:

• "Go tell your Mom/Dad...": Using a child to convey messages between parents.
• "What did you do at Mom/Dad's house?": Interrogating a child for information about the other parent's home or activities.
• "We don't talk about X around Mom/Dad": Forcing a child to keep secrets from a parent.
  
• Do you want to go to Dad's, or would you rather stay with me?": Making a child choose between residences, especially for non-scheduled time.
• Derogatory Comments: Making negative remarks about the other parent in the child's presence.

Shifting the Onus to Parent-Led Contact

The responsibility for facilitating a child's relationship with the other parent rests squarely on the parents' shoulders, not the child's. Here's how effective co-parenting agreements guided by a PC address this:

1. Parents Make the Call.
2. Scheduled Parent-Initiated Calls: "Parent A shall call the child at Parent B's residence every Tuesday and Thursday between 6:00 PM and 6:30 PM." This removes the burden from the child.
3. Parent B's Role: "The parent with the child shall ensure the child is available and encouraged to speak with the other parent during the designated call window. This includes minimizing distractions and ensuring privacy."
4. Designated Communication Methods (Parent-to-Parent).
5. Secure Platforms: Using co-parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard for scheduling, sharing information, and communication logs. This centralizes communication and reduces direct, high-conflict exchanges.
6. Explicitly stating that children are not to be used to relay messages between parents.
7. Positive Encouragement, Not Pressure: "The parent with the child shall speak positively about the child's time with the other parent and encourage the child to enjoy their time and activities."
8. "Parents shall refrain from questioning the child about the other parent's activities or personal life."

Protecting Your Child's Heart

As your PC, my role is to help parents navigate these complexities and, crucially, to safeguard their children from the invisible wounds of loyalty conflicts. By implementing clear, child-focused protocols, we move beyond damage from orders that place undue burden on children and instead build a framework that supports healthy development and genuine connection with both parents.

If you are struggling with a high-conflict co-parenting situation, or if your current orders are inadvertently harming your child, please contact me for a confidential consultation. Let’s work together to protect your child’s right to simply be a child.

Written by Cori L. McGuire, a Parenting Coordinator with 28 years of family law experience in British Columbia. Cori has other articles on Triangulation with further reading by subject in our Resource Library.