Gender Identity in Parenting Coordination

How does parenting coordination assist your family with children's gender identity issues?

A child expressing gender dysphoria or a desire to transition creates a sensitive and challenging journey for a family to navigate. As your PC, I approach this with an unwavering focus on the reality of the child's experience and their right to be safe.

Parents never want suffering for their child. Often, they react out of fear or a desire to protect the version of the child they have always known. Regardless of personal feelings, parenting coordination is grounded in the reality of what is, rather than a parent’s wish for what was.

The Legal and Ethical Framework in BC
The framework in BC mandates that we approach this situation in a manner consistent with the Human Rights Code, which prohibits discrimination based on gender identity or expression. To support this, the BC Ministry of Education utilizes SOGI 123 standards to ensure all students feel safe and included.

Under Section 37 of the Family Law Act (FLA), all decisions must be made with the best interests of the child as the only consideration. To determine this, we must consider:

• S. 37(2)(a): The child's health and emotional well-being.
• S. 37(2)(b): The child's views (unless inappropriate to consider).
• S. 37(2)(e): The child's need for stability, given the child's age and stage of development.
• S. 37(2)(g): The impact of any family violence (including psychological harm) on the child's safety, security, or well-being.
  

Parenting coordination does not debate religious philosophies or personal beliefs. Instead, we focus on clinical and legal standards that prioritize the child’s immediate safety. While parenting coordination adheres to legal frameworks, it is also a practice rooted in a profound respect for the human spirit. I believe that every child is born with an inherent right to joy and that no child is 'intended' to live in a state of suffering or shame. My approach is guided by the conviction that our highest calling as adults—and as professionals—is to stand as a shield between a child and the harm of the world.

In a world where bullying and isolation are real threats to gender-diverse youth, the home must be a sanctuary. My role is to ensure that the transition process is not a source of further trauma, but a path toward a life where the child is fully seen, safely held, and allowed to thrive without fear.

 ACEs and the "Identity Whiplash" Effect
Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) research concludes that chronic instability and a lack of belonging are primary drivers of long-term traumas.

Research from the Family Acceptance Project and Pediatrics (2016) shows that when gender-diverse youth are supported by their primary caregivers, the risk of mental health tragedies drops from 5.9-8.4 times higher, to the same rates as their cisgender peers.

What is Identity Whiplash?
If one parent affirms the child’s identity and the other does not, the child is placed in a state of "Identity Whiplash."This is a high-conflict environment that becomes a secondary ACE.

Under Section 37(2)(e), a child requires stability. Forcing a child to toggle their name, pronouns, or clothing between houses creates profound psychological instability. Instead of focusing on development, the child stays in survival mode, constantly monitoring their behavior to avoid conflict between parents.
 
How PCs Assist: Bridging the Gap Between Law and Family Life
In BC, the courts have been clear about a child’s right to self-identify. In the landmark case A.B. v. C.D., 2020 BCCA 11, the BC Court of Appeal confirmed that a "mature minor" has the right to consent to gender-affirming medical treatment. The court also found that a parent's refusal to acknowledge a child's identity, and attempts to block their transition, could be considered a form of family violence due to the psychological harm it causes.

As your PC, I use this legal clarity to move the family forward:

• Standardizing Communication: We move away from debating the child’s identity. The law and clinical standards already establish the path; the PC's job is to ensure both parents follow that professional guidance.
• Applying the Infants Act: If a child is deemed a "mature minor" by their healthcare providers, their consent to transition is legally valid. I help parents understand that their role is to support the child through this medical reality, rather than attempting to veto it.
• Facilitating Professional Consultations: Under Section 40(2) of the FLA, guardians must consult on healthcare. I facilitate meetings with gender-affirming specialists to ensure decisions are based on the medical evidence established in cases like A.B. v. C.D., not parental conflict.
• Consistency Across Households: I work to ensure the child experiences the same name and pronouns in both homes. This eliminates "identity whiplash" and fulfills the legal requirement for stability under Section 37(2)(e).

Glossary: Understanding the Language
We use these terms to stay aligned with medical and educational professionals:

• Gender Identity: A person’s internal, deeply felt sense of being male, female, a blend of both, or neither. This is different from the sex assigned at birth.
• Gender Expression: How a person presents their gender to the world through clothing, hair, voice, and behavior.
• Cisgender: A person whose gender identity matches the sex they were assigned at birth.
• Transgender: An umbrella term for people whose gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned at birth.
• Non-Binary: A person whose gender identity does not fit strictly into the categories of "male" or "female."
• Gender Dysphoria: The significant distress or discomfort that can occur when a person’s identity does not align with their physical body or assigned sex. This is a clinical term used to determine support and care.
• Social Transition: Non-medical steps a child takes to live as their self-identified gender (e.g., changing name, pronouns, and appearance).
• Gender-Affirming Care: A patient-centered approach to healthcare that supports and affirms a person’s gender identity.
• Affirmation: The act of validating a child's stated identity. Research shows parental affirmation is a primary "protective factor" against mental health risks.
  

Why the Language Matters
Using a child’s preferred name and pronouns is not just a preference—it is a recognized tool for reducing toxic stress. By providing consistency, we satisfy the legal requirement for stability (Section 37(2)(e)) and create a soft landing for a child navigating a complex world.